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Hypothetical Questions My Friends and I Posed While Watching UFC 264

Editor’s Note – this column was written by Sam the Intern from Study Party Die.

On Saturday night, the UFC had a huge event in Los Vegas. It cost a pretty penny on pay per view but you can illegally stream it and only get a few viruses. Sure, your social security and credit card numbers will be exposed but I can’t afford the pay per view so Russian hackers can have my credit card if they want it so bad. Reward > Risk. The reward obviously being watching grown men beat the shit out of each other.

Every time I watch the UFC with my friends, we get into elaborate debates over completely hypothetical fighting scenarios. These “debates” turn into shouting matches, and if we’re at all lucky, a drunk wrestling match that everyone loses. Here’s a list of the age old conundrums that we discussed: 

Conor McGregor vs. Me and Two of My Friends

I’ve been strung up on this for a long while because nobody will take my side. Me and two friends could definitely beat Conor in a fight. Hear me out. Sure, he’s one of the greatest fighters of all time and could knock me out in one punch. But while he pummels me, I’ve got two friends hitting him from other angles. It’s just a numbers game. Let’s also take into account that I’m the same size as McGregor. It sounds crazy but the guy is 5’9 and 155 lbs. That’s like, super average. As great as he is (was?), three people is just too many people. 

How Many Fifth Graders Could You Beat in a Fight?

Another great hypothetical. Having been a camp counselor a few summers, I can say in a non-creepy way that I know how big fifth graders tend to be. They are a lot smaller than you think. And I could beat the shit out of a lot of them. Look, I’m not a big guy nor am I in shape or good at fighting. But these kids weigh at the very most 80 pounds. If I had a few weeks to train, maybe get my cardio up, I could easily take 10 at once. My “it’s just a numbers game” argument above doesn’t really hold water here. I’m the same size as McGregor, these kids pale in comparison to my 155 pound frame. 

I imagine it would look something like this scene from Step Brothers

How Many Fifth Graders Could Conor McGregor Beat in a Fight? 

Now it gets interesting. Who cares how many fifth graders I could beat in a fight, how many could McGregor beat? It’s nearly impossible to put a number on this. I said that I could beat ten, which I genuinely believe. I also said me and two friends could beat McGregor, so it stands to reason that he could be about 30 fifth graders. I’m not sure my conversion rate of my friends to fifth graders is completely accurate, but I can live with that. 

This is the type of question Joe Rogan should have been asking on Saturday night

How Much Would I Need to Be Paid to Get Punched in the Face by a UFC Fighter?

Everyone’s got their price. McGregor got paid 5 million dollars just to show up, and Poirier got 1 million. But those guys had to get in the octagon and potentially fight for 25 minutes. I’m only getting punched once. In what ended up being a one round fight, Poirier had 35 significant strikes to the head and McGregor had 13. If my math is right, Poirier got paid $76,923 per punch to the face, while McGregor was paid $142,857. To be fair, I think I’d need to be paid somewhere in between that range. So, if someone offered me $100,000 to get punched in the face by a UFC fighter, I’d almost certainly take it.     

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