Work.Retire.Die.

Our Post Grad Survival Guide Summer Series continues this week with questions from our two college interns and StudyPartyDie meme-makers Tavi and Sam, who want to know how the real world will work. Check out our full Survival guide and more college content from the interns.

As always, if you’d like to guest write a column, email us at workretiredie@gmail.com. Let’s get into it.

Questions about Post Grad Life From College Kids

1. How is my phone bill going to work? And what about Spotify? Netflix? I’ve got family plans and don’t want to lose out on those.

This is a very legitimate concern that I’m glad you’re raising. One of your life’s missions should be to stay on any and all family plans as long as humanly possible. Realistically, there is absolutely no way you can afford every subscription you need right out of college. And yes Mom, you need ESPN+. There’s just a different kind of analysis at the premium level.

To be fair, there’s good justification for staying on the family phone bill since it’s legitimately cheaper to everyone involved. If your parents want to kick you off to “teach you about responsibility,” they’re actually going to end up paying more themselves. It’s just fiscally responsible for you to stay on the plan for the next 15 years or until you have your own children (whichever comes first.)

For things like Spotify or Netflix, there’s less justification, but realistically it’s more work to kick you off than keep you on the plan. You might want to pay for your own Amazon Prime just so your parents don’t see all the degenerate shit you’re buying, but up to you. Even if they do kick you off, there is a 100% chance you have a friend with an account you can steal. Please don’t feel bad about this. I would venture to guess that there is not a single person alive who doesn’t use at least one account that belongs to someone else.

Pro-Tip: Offer to pay for your share of family plans. Do it for like 3 months and then stop and pray your parents don’t notice. They probably won’t miss your $32 contribution every month and just chalk it up to the cost of raising a child that refuses to mature well into their 20s.

2. How much harder am I going to have to try?

When it comes to the brainpower department, not much at all. In fact, it will be much less.  Studying for finals or writing term papers is way more mental work than doing any bullshit office job tasks you’ll have to do.

The key word here is have to. You can 100% coast your way to a middle management position and chill there for the rest of your life. You’ll probably get laid off in every re-org but you’ll eventually figure it out. If you want to be rich and successful, then are going to have to work much, much harder than you did in college. Which sounds stressful and tiring, but that’s life pal.

The real effort will come from managing your energy and social life. It’s legitimately hard to work a 9-5, stay in touch with friends, exercise regularly, have a hobby and do sex with someone you like. Pick 2 and you have a nice life.

3. Can I keep drinking Natty Lights or am I going to have to pretend to like IPAs?

Yes to both. Anyone whose too good for light beer is not someone you want to hang out with, but there’s nothing wrong with a good IPA. Really, your beer of choice will be completely dependent on the situation.

Let’s break down when and where you should drink light beers vs. IPAs.

IPAs

Pros:

• More alcohol and gets you drunker faster.
• Actually taste pretty good if you get the right one.
• Served at breweries which are fun.

Cons:

• More expensive
• Heavy as fuck
• One million of them. Hard to keep track of which ones are good and which ones taste like sour milk.

Best Time to Drink an IPA:

Eating at a Restaurant

This can be a relatively nice dinner that you’d like to get drunk at or my favorite situation, a Saturday brunch where you’re hungover from the night before. I know it sounds like the last thing you’d want to drink, but the quickest way to beat a hangover is to get drunk again. Order the IPA with the highest alcohol content and after two of them, you’ll be right on the path to drunk again.

Quick breakdown of my patented 4-Liquid Brunch order:

Water: For Hydration

Coffee: For Energy

Orange Juice: For Refreshment

IPA: For Drunkenness

Light Beers

Pros

• Cheap
• Goes down easy
• Available everywhere

Cons

• Very hard to get drunk on
• Tastes just ok

Best Time to Drink a Light Beer

When You’re Already Kind of Drunk

The worst part about light beers is it takes about 8 of them to actually feel drunk. The best part is that it’s cheap as fuck. That’s why it’s the perfect beer to order at a bar after you’ve been pregaming at your apartment. You don’t spend a ton (you can even buy a round for people) plus you maintain your level of drunkenness from the pregame, so you don’t get dangerously and irredeemably blackout.

It’s also the best beer for a long afternoon of day drinking, rallying after day drinking, and falling asleep on your couch at 2 am after you rallied from day drinking and went out to the bar.

4. At what age does it become simply inappropriate to have a roommate?

I would probably say like mid 30s? Everyone loves talking about how expensive New York is, but it really is expensive as shit. The same goes for most big cities. It’s very understandable to have a roommate for as long as possible if you can’t afford not to.  We don’t poor shame on this blog. (We definitely do but not when it comes to rent.)

If you can afford to live alone, do it as soon as you can. It’s a little lame and not that attractive to bring someone home to your flex wall room in an apartment with one bathroom that you share with 3 people. We get that you and your roommates have a sick dartboard and are best friends for life/emotionally dependent on each other and don’t know how to function as your own person, but it’s ok to grow up guys.  

5. How life changing is it to turn 25 and be able to rent a car from Avis for your weekend in Miami?

Not really life changing at all. Renting a car is fucking ripoff and it’s usually cheaper to take an Uber everywhere. If you need to drive a considerable distance, use this tip that I saw this on Tik Tok that’s actually genius: instead of paying $200 to rent a car, get a U-Haul. It’s like $25 a day and you don’t have to drive all the way to an airport to return it. Win-win.

As a guy, the best part about turning 25 is telling girls you’re 25. One of the most jarring things about graduating is going from big shot senior to the lowest person on the dating totem pole. Everyone knows that besides wearing socks with Sperries and working in marketing, nothing turns off a woman more than finding out the guy hitting on her is 23.

I’m 28 and live with my girlfriend so I’m happily past this point in my life, but for the first three years of postgrad, I would tell every girl I met that I was 25. It’s the perfect age to communicate that you’re young and fun but have your shit together and more than $400 in your bank account.  It’s also a believable lie if you have some level of facial hair and a weariness to your general demeanor.  

25 is also nice because it’s right in the middle of junior and senior year of post-grad, the part of adult life when you start to figure yourself out a bit. Check out our full breakdown for the first four years of postgrad for a clear breakdown of how your first four years will go.

Hope this was helpful and everyone has the best night of their lives tonight. Don’t forget to subscribe to our Friday newsletter for more content this summer.