Work.Retire.Die.

Last night was an important night for many people in the world – dreams were made, futures were built, and hearts were broken. A country was unified for the first time in months around the most important draft since World War II – the Work Retire Die Remote Employee Draft.

That’s right, America’s most important blog spent last night drafting a team of workers for that you’ll be familiar with from your own experience during COVID-19 and we’re here to share the results with you.

Is this true? No. We currently make zero dollars a month. There’s absolutley no way we can afford employees. It’s just a way to force content into a relevant format. Move on.

round 1

Selection: Try Hard TERRY

Terry was the highest rated prospect on my board and in the first round you’re drafting for talent, not fit. And make no mistake about it, Terry does not fit on the WRD squad at all. He’s driven, motivated, and cares about his career, which clashes pretty hard with our core values of apathy and doing the absolute bare minimum at all core. However, it’s hard to do deny that the man gets shit done.

Strengths:

• Big T (a nickname he gave himself that he insists on being called) is relentless and works constantly. If you need something turned around by EOD, he’s your guy.

• He’s incredibly talented at all Microsoft Office functions. He knows every function in Excel and his PowerPoints are incredible. You didn’t even know that slide format existed! Way to present the information in a way that is manageable and interesting Big T!

• His work profile picture was professionally taken for some reason. It’s soothing to look at.

Weaknesses –

• He sends out emails at all hours of the night. I’m not worried about burnout with him, I just think it’s annoying as fuck.

• Far too passionate about the job. At least twice a week, he’ll send out an article to your entire team with ‘Tips for Staying Efficient While Working Remote’ from the Wall Street Journal. The subject line is ‘Great Read! Hope everyone enjoys.’ None of us have a WSJ login Terry, get the fuck out of here.

• His apartment either is completely barren besides 3 computer monitors and one lamp or it is the sickest living space you’ve ever seen in your entire life with a tiger-skin rug and a wine cellar. Either way, it makes you uncomfortable.

Draft Grade: B+

round 2

Selection: Type A Tonia

Tonia fills a huge need, which is personal accountability, organizational skills, and a basic level of professionalism in the workplace. However, there are concerns with fit, as Tonia is a little neurotic and honestly just not that fun to hang with. This will either put us over the top or lead to our destruction.

Strengths –

• Work actually does need to get done and Tonia keeps everyone on track. Her project trackers are annoying but honestly helpful af.

• She’ll usually just end up doing your work, since ‘it’s easier if I just do it myself than delegate it.’ Go right ahead my sweet Toni. Go right ahead.

• Her apartment is immaculate. Every time you video with her, in the background you’ll see some sort of color coded bookshelf, delightful oil painting of a country landscape, or soothing mini-garden with like tomatoes or some shit. It is honestly a pleasure to look at and the only time I’ll watch anyone’s screen besides my own

Weakness –

• She forces everyone to turn their video on for every meeting. Time to throw away those take-out containers on your desk and brush your teeth for the first time this week.

• She messages you at 9:01 or 1:03 pm under the guise of a work question. She’s really just checking that you’re logged on and haven’t taken too long of a lunch break.

• She makes you do your job (unfair, wrong, possibly illegal.)

Draft Grade: A-

Round 3

Selection: Dad Mode Dave

High floor, low ceiling. Dave was a little intimidating before the crisis but this has honestly humanized him a little bit. He’s stuck at home with his kids all day and has transformed into a combination of excessively wholesome and extremely irritable. It’s fun to watch.

Strengths

• Being around his kids all day has made him step back and realize that there are more important things than work. He’ll ask how you’re holding up and you feel like he’s genuinely interested.
• Always good for a few jokes about ‘quarantinis’ or toilet paper or something. They’re not funny but he’s trying.
• Ends the day at 5:15 because he has to help his kid with homework or make dinner or mow the lawn even though it’s 40 degrees outside.

Weaknesses

• He finally figured out video conferencing and chat messaging and he’s a little too into it. He’ll send out memes that are 9 months old in the group chat or change his video background to some sort of Caddyshack reference that you don’t really get. It stopped being fun 2 weeks ago.
• Will randomly be extremely on edge. You know it’s because his 11 year old just threw out all his socks or something, but don’t take it out on us Dave.
• Always sends pictures to the team of his set up or what his family did that weekend. That’s nice Dave. It really is. I just don’t give a shit man I’m sorry.

Draft Grade: B-

round 4

Selection: doesn’t give a shit donna

Gotta respect how little Donna cares but at a certain point, we need to get stuff done. Without the threat of someone watching over her in person, she has zero accountability. You can’t blame her, but come on. People are losing their jobs everywhere, you should be a little more concerned.

Strengths

• Not a threat to take your job.
• Will not make any more work for you.
• Very willing to talk shit about every single person you work with.

Weaknesses

• Constantly uses the pandemic as an excuse for not doing work. I get it, it’s a weird time, but we’ve been working remote for 6 weeks at this point. Figure it out.
• Calls out sick because they ‘think they might have coronavirus.’ Haven’t you been quarantined for 39 days Donna? I don’t think that sneezing if a symptom of COVID-19, I think you’re just lazy.
• Hasn’t spoken on a call in over a month, which is honestly impressive.

Draft Grade: C-

round 5

selection: Recent Grad Randy

Poor kid started his first big boy job in September and was finally getting used to the adult world when everything happened. He’s raw but talented – with the right coaching we can turn him into the Content Prince. Worth taking a flyer on in the late rounds.

Strengths:

• You can give him your work and tell him it will be ‘great for his development and growth,’ and he’ll thank you profusely.
• He hasn’t been broken yet. You can mold him into whoever you want him to be.
• His sparkling eyes and zest for life remind you of a version of yourself that you once liked.

Weaknesses:

• His work set up. He’s either sticking it out in the shithole apartment he just moved in to or he moved back to his parents house and is taking calls from his childhood bedroom. Either way, you can’t take him seriously and are worried for his physical and mental health.
• Has no concept of how to behave. You’ll ask him how his weekend was on a team call and he’ll tell you how he shotgunned 11 Bud Lights in his bathroom at 4 am. That’s sick Randy and I think it’s cool, but our boss is listening.
• Will message you something incredibly inappropriate while you’re sharing your screen during a meeting and probably get you fired.

Draft Grade: A