Work.Retire.Die.

Summer was made for vacationing. That’s why we invented it. And nothing is more timeless than a vacation with your entire family during the hottest, most uncomfortable time of the year.

Now that you’re an adult, vacations are a little different. There’s a reason that a quick search for ‘family vacation’ looks a little something like this.

It’s ok. We’re here to help you survive and thrive during your family vacation this summer. Without further ado, we present…..

the timeline of every family vacation

one – two weeks before the trip

Your mom sends out a text to your family group chat about the upcoming vacation, with a quick itinerary and a few details. She ask the big question – ‘any requests for the trip? Places or sights you want to see?’ This is your chance to have your voice heard, to make sure the vacation goes according to your specific needs. You should take advantage of this!

You completely ignore the text. You’re not particularly busy but you just don’t want to think about it right now. You’ll be unhappy the entire trip and complain constantly, which is completely unfair because you didn’t help plan at all. It’s fine. It’s your family, they have to like you. Plus, not helping organize events and then trying to undermine them when things don’t go exactly your way is what you’re known for.

day 1 – the journey

The day is here and it’s time to actually, you know, get to your location. I shouldn’t have to explain transportation to you, but there’s basically 2 ways of getting to vacations.

• Car Ride
  • We covered road trips with your friends a few weeks ago, but family trips are a little different. When you were a kid, there was nothing better than popping in a DVD and watching the same movie you’ve seen 45 times to pass the time on a long car trip. As an adult, it’s kind of a weird move to like watch Netflix on your phone in a car full of people. Be a grownup and try to make conversation for at least like 20 minutes and then just fall asleep or listen to a podcast or something.

• Airplane
  • WOW you’re family is rich! You should be very proud of your parents for being so successful in their careers.
  • You are probably getting to your flight about 5 hours ahead of time. Dad’s love to get to the airport early am I right? What idiots! No. Here’s why.
    • It’s smart. It’s better to be a little early than miss your flight.  
    • The airport rules. I’m happy to spend as much time there as possible. Incredible things about the airport include moving sidewalks, vending machines with electronics in them, Duty-Free with really big Toblerone and basically free alcohol, and Hudson News, which has every single magazine and Oprah’s book club known to mankind.

Once you arrive to wherever you’re staying and settle in, it’s important to make sure you are the first one to do a nice, simple favor. Maybe it’s cleaning the kitchen or helping someone unpack. It doesn’t matter. The only important thing is to set the tone early on that you are the nicest and that everyone now owes you a favor.

day 2 – This is sick

Ok this is actually fun! You’re on vacation and your parents are paying for pretty much everything. It’s nice to have a meal that is more than $14 and not prepared by you, an absolute moron. Have the steak! Order the nice wine! Maybe even get a personal appetizer that you only eat half of! It is your God-given right as a child to mooch off your parents.

And you know what? Your siblings aren’t so bad. Seeing touristy stuff is actually kinda cool. When was the last time you went a museum? Never! Go ahead and pat yourself on the back. You are a great person and everyone should look up to you.

Go back home tonight and post that Instagram of you and your family at a cool place with some absolutely genius caption. Let those likes wash over you like a flowing river of validation you definitely don’t desperately crave. This is bliss.

day 3 – the breaking point

Please let this trip end right now. You are suddenly 13 again. Your brother won’t shuck the fuck up, your sister took 45 minutes in the shower this morning and used all the hot water and your Dad is doing that annoying thing that he knows bothers you but still won’t stop. You go to some random ass local attraction that is stupid and dumb. Your Mom gets pissed that no one is getting along and on their phones too much . In the cab to the restaurant for dinner, you all sit in complete silence, stewing in discontent.

After returning to the hotel from what was actually a nice dinner, you think everything has passed. It has not. There’s a disagreement about what to watch on TV. Someone makes an extremely personal and cutting comment that was really not called for. Everyone is exhausted. You are pushing each other’s buttons for the sake of pushing each other’s buttons. It blows up spectacularly in yelling and tears.

day 4 – the reconciliation

Ok last night was a little nuts huh? Sorry about that. We all love each other. We’re in a nice place – let’s try to get along.

Now that the fight has passed and everyone has made up, it’s time to do something like go for a hike or some bullshit. You don’t love it but you won’t actually complain because everyone is trying to be nice. But honestly, why are we exercising on vacation?

At dinner that night, you all get a little drunk and start reminiscing on the trip. You are lucky to have each other and 1-3 inside jokes from this vacation that you can reference for the next 25 years.

day 5 – time to go home

Well that was fun but let’s all head home and not speak for at least 3-5 business days.