The Best Things in the World: National Champion
Editor’s Note: For those new to the blog, this is the fourth installment of the Best Things in the World Bracket. Go see what happened throughout the entire tournament, from the Round of 64, to the Sweet 16 and the Final Four.
Well folks, we finally made it. It’s been a long tournament, filled with controversy, scandal, and a little romance. Names were called, personal integrities were questioned, and friendships were potentially ruined forever. But no matter. The Content King and his committee of loyal, handsome and taller than average voting experts forged on. Lions do not concern themselves with the opinions of sheep who don’t even have their own blogs. Why? Because the world deserved to know the answer to the timeless question – what is the greatest thing in the world, according to 8 straight white males in their mid to late 20s?
Before we get into it, I’d like to give a shoutout to the loyal WRDies who made their opinions known in the comments, DMs and Instagram Stories voting. Even though some of you were super mean and may end up being the reason I finally seek professional help, we were blessed to receive over 2,000 votes. And your votes 100% mattered, swinging some huge matchups throughout the tournament. So thank you and god bless your little hearts.
A quick note before I reveal the winner – if you’re not following us on Instagram, stop what you are doing immediately and go do so. If you don’t have Instagram, please join the 21st century and go make one (it will be helpful to spy on your teenage children.) If you’re already following us, tell every single person you’ve ever met to go follow @WorkRetireDie. If you’ve already done that, go make 100 fake accounts and follow us. If we hit 10k followers before my birthday on May 19th, I will do something super cool I promise.
Let’s get into it.
#2 Jumping in the Ocean When You’re Hungover falls to a red hot #4 Cancelled Plans squad in a Double OT buzzer-beater.
In a game that featured double digit lead changes, several controversial referee decisions, and a last second buzzer beater, a seasoned Cancelled Plans team played its best game of the year to knock off a deep Jumping in the Ocean squad in a double overtime classic. The game sought to answer the age-old question – what is worse? A crippling hangover or leaving the comfort of your home for an obligation you have been dreading for weeks?
Yes, it’s true that jumping in the ocean is a scientifically proven hangover cure, a cocktail of feelings that pulls you out of your early morning depression. The wave of cold water descending upon your bloated body. The salt water cleansing the gaping knee wound from a fall last night that you definitely don’t remember happening. Your friend throwing you a football, as you dive into a wave to make an incredible catch in front of a group of girls who are definitely more annoyed than impressed. It’s an incredible feeling and one of the most talented teams in the tournament. But it’s an explosive style of play that only really lasts for about an hour until you’re right back to where you started.
Eventually, they fell to a veteran Cancelled Plans team that only gets better with age. There is truly no rush like receiving a text on a Tuesday night from your former coworker who you haven’t seen in like a year that they have to cancel your plans to grab a beer. Now you can sit back on your couch, put on sweatpants, and half watch TV while you scroll aimlessly through Instagram until bed. Plus, it’s not even your fault that the plans were cancelled, so you’re still an incredible person who everyone likes and respects.
The voting was contentious and the committee was torn, with voting split down the middle. That’s when the fans came in, with a crushing a landslide voting to send Cancelled Plans to the national championship.
A streaking #3 Reuniting with Friends You Haven’t Seen in a While knocks off heavily favored #4 Water.
In what some folks are calling the upset of the century, America’s sweetheart Reuniting with Friends defeated one of the few things absolutely essential to human life. Throughout the tournament, water proved to be an incredibly deep team, getting stand out performances from Cold Water When You’re Hungover, Pools on a Hot Day, Hot Tubs at a Ski House, Long Showers, and Ice. But, as the old saying goes – Water giveth and Water Taketh away. Live by the 3 and die by the 3. Water just could not overcome destructive team members like Hurricanes, Puddles You Step in With Socks On, Cold Rain, Slushy Snow in the City, Tsunamis, and Flooding a Sink After Leaving the Faucet on All Night and It Leaks Through to Your Downstairs Neighbors Apartment and They Get Super Mad at You and Your Renter’s Insurance Premium Skyrockets.
So yes, water is great and if it existed on Mars, we’d probably live there now and worship Elon Musk as our lord and savior. But reuniting with friends has absolutely no downsides and is one of the true gifts in this world. What is the point in being alive if you can’t see old friends, get black-out drunk, and create memories that you can talk about the next time you see each other and do it all over again?
Reuniting with Friends claims their first ever national title and beats Cancelled Plans in a convincing blow-out.
In a matchup between doing nothing and doing something with people you care about, Reuniting with Friends continued their incredible streak and destroyed Cancelled Plans in a game they led from wire to wire. It’s undeniable that cancelling plans is a talented team that deserved to be in the final. But ultimately, cancelled plans could get rescheduled. And if you’re strong of spirit, you’ll stop making plans that you want to be cancelled.
Reuniting with friends just got stronger as the tournament went on and has absolutely no holes in its game. The energy of everyone rolling in at the start of the weekend. The joy of icing the last person who arrives, even though this stopped being a thing 5 years ago. Cracking jokes and picking up right where you left off, as you think to yourself, ‘oh right, this is why I’m friends with these people.’ Making fun of your friend who passed out too early the first night (this is usually me tbh.) Getting some fricking sick Instagram that you can caption “Back at It” or use some sort of Drake quote about a clique or your squad. There’s not a single flaw, besides being incredibly hungover at work the next Monday
Texting is annoying . FaceTimes are kind of awkward in most situations. Life gets busy, but there’s always time to reunite with old friends.
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