Work.Retire.Die.

What. Just. Happened??? After a weekend of madness, here we are: the Sweet 16 of Best Things in the World. After 4 hours and a rigorous voting system of liking text messages in a group chat, a committee of 7 members have made their selections for which teams will advance and which teams will be sent home as total failures and disappointments to their parents.

There are some out there who may be upset by the results. It’s understandable – Lord knows the stakes are high enough. There are readers who may say stuff like “Wow you sacks of shit. These picks suck. How have your families not disowned you and your friends not abandoned you?” Well, guess what? You’re too late. Both of those have already happened, but that’s due to my personal hygiene and is completely unrelated to this bracket. Now kindly, leave the WordPress.

This year we will be adding a new wrinkle – fans can now vote for their favorites on Insta-story. The committee will still vote, but fan vote will count as the tiebreaker. If this makes you upset, I urge you to re-consider what you let affect you in life.

Let’s get into it.

WHERE WE STAND

Region Breakdown

FEELINGS REGION

First Round Madness:

• #6 Putting on Clothes Fresh From the Dryer fades down the stretch against #11 Water Trickling out of Your Ear
  • The 6 seed proved to be over-hyped and no longer relevant, since doing your own laundry is for poor losers.

Round of 32 Results:

• A streaking Well Executed High Five eliminates top ranked Taking Ski Boots Off
  • The eight seed’s crowd-pleasing style of play defeats a slumping Ski Boots team that hasn’t been relevant for weeks.
• #5 One Wipe Poops destroys 4th ranked Sticking it on the Green
  • The healthiest team in the tournament, One Wipe Poops dominates a fleeting team that will probably just miss the putt anyways.
• #11 Water Trickling out of Your Ear falls to #3 A Warm Bed in the Winter
  • The 11 seed pulled off a first round upset with their satisfying and delightful offense, but ultimately gets beat by the coziest team in the tournament.
• #2 Jumping in the Ocean When You’re Hungover defeats #7 Waking Up Well Rested Before the Alarm Goes Off
  • With fresh legs after a blow out first round win, the 7 seed got off to an early lead but Jumping in the Ocean turned the game around in a hurry with their splashy fast break offense.

What to Watch For:

• #5 One Wipe Poops matches up against #8 Well-Executed High Fives in a battle of satisfying, surprising feelings that give you a rush of strange pride.

MOMENTS REGION:

First Round Madness:

• Dark horse Delivering a Good Insult pulls off the upset against #7 Deadline Extensions with a late second half comeback.
  • A rowdy Insults squad plays their best in front of a big crowd and pulls away once the initial rush of Deadline Extensions fades and you realize you’ll have to do the work eventually.

Round of 32 Results:

• Top seeded Receiving a Genuine Compliment falls to #9 Getting Drunk in a Suit on a last second buzzer beater.
  • The over-confident 1 seed lets the media buzz get to their head and falls to a young team that could fade once they turn 27 and have to attend weddings they don’t want to go to.
• Fourth seeded Cancelled Plans pulls away from #5 Checking Your Balance After a Night Out and It’s Not That Bad
  • A scrappy Checking Your Balance team hangs tight, but ultimately fall to a loaded Cancelled Plans roster that has almost no weaknesses.
• #3 Winning a Huge Bet falls to a red hot #6 Leaving Work on a Summer Friday
  • The 6 seed stays hot and knocks off a strong but volatile Winning a Huge Bet team that ends up gambling their winnings away within 2 days.
• In a shocking upset, #10 Delivering a Good Insult knocks off perennial favorite and second seeded Being Awake for a Booty Call
  • The pre-season favorite falls in dramatic fashion, playing sloppy and irresponsible basketball, at times looking like they were basically asleep for most of the game.

What to Watch For:

• #4 Cancelled Plans looks like the team to beat in the region, as long as they don’t run into their biggest opponent – Rescheduling for Next Week.

STUFF REGION

First Round Madness

• Cinderella story Slim Jim’s Instagram keeps it close but runs into a seasoned Bottomless Brunch squad, sending Long Boi faithfuls home to dream of glory next season.

Round of 32 Results:

• Top seeded Drinking for Free knocks off #9 Uber
  • The powerhouse squad pulls away early, proving that we were fine before Uber was invented, but drinking for free is absolutely timeless.
• #4 Water runs #5 Clothes that Fit Perfectly in the Dressing Room out of the goddam gym
  • A pre-season favorite, the highly motivated Water squad showed that they were sick of being taken for granted, blowing out a 5 seed that is just sort of ok.
• #3 Bottomless Brunch takes down #6 A Really Good Burger on a Summer Day in a back and forth struggle
  • The third seeded Brunch squad started off hot, faded in the middle but ultimately rallied after a nap and a Red Bull.
• #2 Ice Cold Beer on a Hot Day defeats #7 The 2005 Classic ‘Hitch’
  • A refreshing Ice Cold Beer team exposes big man Kevin James for his one-dimensional style and lack of athleticism in the post.

What to Watch For:

• Fourth seeded Water is a volatile team that can get hot quickly, but can also go ice cold. However, they’ll prove tough to beat as they are absolutely essential to human life.

EVENTS REGION

First Round Madness

• In a colossal upset, top seed Putting in Your Two Weeks Notice falls to #16 First Night of Vacation, an exciting team playing free from worry with a whole weekend still in front of them.

Round of 32 Recap

• #9 Bachelor Parties beats #16 First night of Vacation
  • Two teams with similar styles of play square off, but the deeper Bachelor Parties prevails, since its basically the first night of vacation but for 3 nights straight.
• #5 Getting Promoted at Work handles #13 All Inclusive Spring Break in convincing fashion.
  • The young All-Inclusive team pulled off the upset in the first round, but couldn’t maintain its frenetic pace and turned out to not be worth the price.
• #3 Reuniting with Friends You Haven’t Seen in a While beats #11 Mardi Gras in New Orleans
  • A hot Mardi Gras squad doesn’t look like themselves away from home, falling to a versatile, heart-warming team that is beautiful no matter where they are.
• #2 Your Favorite Team Winning a Championship beats #7 Turning 21.
  • The 7 seed was cool in the first round, but was sort of a let-down since they’d already been drinking for 5 years at this point.

What to Watch For

• Getting Promoted at Work is a dangerous team, filled with newfound confidence and respect on the court. But what will happen once they realize they have way more work and their raise barely amounts to an extra $47 per paycheck?

Don’t forget to follow on Instagram and vote on Insta-Stories for your picks in the sweet 16. Once again, my vote can easily be bought and I will be accepting Venmo as double entries.