This is life now. Cope with us.

How to Know Who You ~Really~ Are

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” Aristotle said that and he’s smart as fuck.

Knowing yourself is hard. I’m here to make it easy.

Simply put, I’ve already found myself. As a beacon of self-knowledge and inner peace, many have called me a modern day Siddhartha. And I’m not just saying that to brag about reading the book.

It’s my duty to give back and share my secrets to success. Here’s how I did it, and how you can do it on your own. So LISTEN UP

How to Find Yourself and Discover Who You Truly Are

BuzzFeed Personality Quizzes

Easily one of the most addictive things in my life, second only to buying tequila shots for strangers in a desperate attempt to make everyone on Earth like me.

Buzzfeed gets that we don’t really want to know ourselves. We don’t want to plumb the depths of our souls and learn hard truths about the demons that rest underneath. We just want to know which Disney character we are (Simba) based on our dessert preferences (brownies, pudding, vanilla cake with chocolate frosting)

I strongly recommend “Which Comfort Food Are You.” I learned that I’m French Fries because I “know how to make the most of any situation and shine.” This knowledge has been absolutely essential in my journey to self-enlightenment.

Study Abroad in Europe For One Semester During Your Junior Year of College

I didn’t truly find myself until I spend a magical 3 months in Milan, or as the locals says, “Milano.” During this time of growth, I immersed myself in the culture and stepped out of my comfort zone by doing the following:

  • Living with 6 of my college friends who I already knew very well.
  • Refused to learn the language and insisted on speaking Spanish.
  • Left every weekend to get black out drunk across Europe with the rest of my college friends.
  • Went hiking twice.
  • Visited 4 museums .
  • Got mugged by unruly locals one night after I left a club alone at 2 am.

What did I learn abroad, you ask? Well that’s between me, the Duomo di Milano and the gypsy woman who pickpocketed my friend as he boarded the Metro (this is what the Italians call a subway.) If you’re confused, it’s probably because you just haven’t been abroad. Dirty American.

Image result for leonardo da vinci
Leonardo Da Vinci – the only man more Italian than me after my semester abroad.

Harry Potter Sorting Hat – Which House Are You?

Similar to the BuzzFeed quizzes, but much more accurate. These break people into the only 4 personalities that exist: Brave, Genius, Super Mean, and Loser. As a Gryffindor/Ravenclaw mix with a taste of Slytherin when my back’s against the wall, I know this to be fact.

If you want to truly understand your eternal soul, you need to do it at the heart of it all, the epicenter of magic – Harry Potter World at Universal Studios.

I get it – not everyone can go to Universal Studios as a full grown adult. Most of you are poor which is why you’re reading the free version of this blog (Venmo me for the premium stuff.) In light of your extreme poverty, I urge you to visit Pottermore. Do NOT use the Buzzfeed one. It said that I was Hufflepuff both times I took it and that’s not cool.

A Healthy Level of Introspection and Help from a Professional Therapist

Cost of Therapy: $1 million / hour

Cost of Buzzfeed ‘What Kind of Power Ranger Are You’ quiz: $0

Value of knowing that I am White Ranger because I am a complex individual who knows right from wrong: Priceless

Image result for white power ranger
Whenever I am faced with a hard decision, I always think WWWPRD – What Would White Power Ranger Do?

Go on a Vision Quest After Eating Bad Mushrooms You Bought From A Kid on Your Rugby Team

This is a family blog so I won’t get into specifics. But let’s just say that you can NEVER fully know who you are as a man until you’ve bought a bag of mushrooms off your friend on the rugby team during beach week, spent 3 hours in a pool waiting for them to kick in and then lied and told everyone that you were definitely feeling something so you could fit in.

Myers Briggs Personality Test

I have taken this 7 times and gotten 7 different results. Why is that? Oh I don’t know – maybe because I’m complex and multi-faceted? Or because I don’t actually know myself at all and answer the questions differently each time? We’ll never truly know sorry.

These are also cool because these can illegally be used in the hiring process and help employers decide if you should get promoted or not!!!

Image result for cocky office guy
Me after my Myers Briggs test says I’m a take charge leader in the office

Fortune Cookies

Newsflash – fortune cookies do not fall into your lap by accident. They were sent into your life for a REASON people! They need to be listened to.

There are 3 types of Fortune Cookies:

  1. Tell the Future
    • If it’s a good future, it’s probably true. If it’s bad, I wouldn’t worry about it.
  2. Provide Earth shattering insights into your personality.
    • Two Sundays ago, I ordered Chinese food twice in the same day. Unfortunately, it was the same delivery man each time. Pretty embarrassing. But then my fortune cookie gave me this insight “Your greatest asset is your earning ability. Your greatest resource is your time.” I quit my job on the spot baby!
  3. Nonsensical
    • These are ones that have clearly been translated very poorly or that say I am due for bad luck.

Catfish Your Friends and Ask Questions About Yourself

Sometimes, it can be difficult to answer hard questions about yourself. That’s why I find it helpful to turn to the people who know me best, and see what insights I can gleam from them. It’s absolutely vital for me to create fake personas, so my friends/test subjects can say what they really think about me, without worrying about hurting my feelings.

An example:

Wow. Not only am I well-known and beloved by all, but also incredibly well respected by my friends. Empowering!

Honorable Mentions:

Spirit Animals

-Fun because this one combines personality AND body image and usually ends up being sort of racist.

Astrology Signs

-Everyone born in the same month has the same personality.


-Scary accurate. A psychic once told me to watch out for people whose name start with the letter J. As someone whose name starts with J and constantly self-sabotages, this was pretty sound advice.

Spending Time Alone

-Scary and boring

Chinese Year

-Everyone born in the same year has the same personality

Love Languages

-Words of affirmation so be nice

Go for a Walk

-Where would I even go??

Join a Cult

-good way to make friends

Leave a Reply