My Life Has Been Optioned into a Hallmark Christmas Movie

*Editor’s Note: The following is a completely true story. It has not been fabricated in any way. It is now the plot of a Hallmark film, tentatively titled ‘Work Retire…Christmas?’ *

Many of you know me as the Content King. Humble, handsome, probably a genius. Physically powerful and emotionally stable. A man whose skill with words is matched only by his warm heart and generous spirit. But I wasn’t always the version of myself that you see today. For years, I wallowed in excess, running from my personal truth and ultimate destiny. I was lost. Until one special Christmas that changed my life forever.

It was December 23rd. I was living in LA and the picture of success. As a Big City Businessman, I only had room in my heart for 3 things – money, success, and smoking hot babes. I was on my private jet headed to Chicago for a big meeting the next day. Who schedules a meeting on Christmas Eve? Me, that’s who. I hated Christmas and everyone knew it. Why? You’ll find out in Act II, don’t worry.

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Beneath this veneer of extravagant wealth was a scared boy crying out for help

During the flight, there was a huge snowstorm. We had to land the plane in the nearest airport, conveniently located in the small town of Christmasville, Illinois. Oh my god. This was the town I grew up in.  I hadn’t been back or even spoken to my family since I was 17. I was too busy forgetting my roots and selfishly making millions of dollars as a businessman. This town also loves Christmas, which you’ll remember, I hate. Conflict.

Needless to say, I was super pissed. I was stuck in this dumb town with my dumb family on a dumb holiday. Plus, my super hot pop star girlfriend was mad at me because I couldn’t go to a famous person party in LA with her anymore. She really only loves me for my money and celebrity but that’s fine. I take my anger out on my butler, an affable guy who speaks hard truths to me when necessary. He convinces me it is time to face my demons. I begrudging relent. My unnamed butler is right.

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Ariana plays my famous girlfriend and repeatedly tries to sleep with me off set. I reject her every time. I am close with Big Sean and could never do that to him.

I make a visit to my family’s small business, a shop that exclusively sells homemade egg nog, appropriately named Must Love Nogs. It’s an incredibly seasonal business with razor thin margins but we stay afloat because we have the best egg nog. Like it’s amazing. There’s a secret ingredient that I can only learn once I stop being so selfish. Fat chance of that.

As I enter the shop, I meet my love interest, Stephanie. She’s works there as like the cashier or something. She’s pretty but in a homely, non-threatening way. Of course we immediately clash because she’s super nice and I’m super mean, but there’s some clear sexual tension. Oh, she’s a single mom too. Her husband died in a toboggan accident. However, enough time has passed that she’s moved on and the audience won’t feel bad when we fall in love (spoiler)

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Stephanie’s ex husband moments before his deadly toboggan accident. Christmasville’s favorite pastime takes another life. Senseless

I see my father at the shop and he gives me a hug. He’s a pretty good guy. I’m a jerk for not calling more. We catch up and then he drops a big plot point. Guess what? Must Love Nogs is on its last legs. Unless we raise $50,000 before Christmas, the whole shop is going to be sold to Eggo Waffles. They want to take our precious egg nog recipe and turn it into frozen breakfast treats. Eggo Noggo Waffles. Man, Big Business totally stinks.

I agree to help save Must Love Nogs with Stephanie’s help. We soon start falling in love over shared interests and accidental hand touching. I teach her 9 year old son Buddy how to build a snow man. I reveal that before I moved to Hollywood, I was the best snowman builder in Christmasville. That is until frickin’ Jason Johnson moved into town. He beat me during the annual Christmas snow man building contest. I was so upset I moved to LA and became rich and famous. So this is why I hate Christmas and also why I’m a jerk.

Wait a second, Jason Johnson works for Eggo Waffles. He’s the one trying to buy our egg nog company. WTF! Now I really care about saving the business. Plus my character is making more sense.

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Jason is a total dick. He literally only uses cash as toilet paper and for lighting cigars.

Buddy tells me and Stephanie that all he wants for Christmas is a reindeer that he can ride around town. Is that too much to ask? Stephanie is upset. She’s a single mother and can barely afford a Christmas ham. Honestly, I don’t get why she’s so poor. Must Love Nogs actually pays her a ton of money. It’s part of the reason we’re going out of business. It just seems like she’s bad at managing her personal finances. I recommend to my dad that we fire her. We clash again.

Turns out, the reason Stephanie is poor is that she’s been paying for my father’s cancer treatments. I didn’t even know my dad had cancer! Pretty tough look on my part. I feel super bad. Maybe we shouldn’t fire her. I still think she’s a bit overpaid.

To make up for being mean, I decide to make Buddy’s Christmas wish come true. It turns out that my brother is Santa Claus. We haven’t spoken in years. This is another reason I hate Christmas by the way. I convince Santa to visit Buddy and give him a reindeer. Buddy now believes in the magic of Christmas. Santa leaves. This is never really addressed again.

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Santa and I have an elaborate kung fun battle where we work through some of our deep seated issues. It’s metaphorical but also pretty cool

What about the shop, you ask? Well, I forgot to mention but my family has this really big dog. He’s mischievous but super lovable.  Stephanie has a cat. Surprisingly, the cat and dog actually get along pretty well. They work together to find a secret cave, filled to the absolute brim with eggnog. This is awesome. Much Love Nogs now has so much free inventory. We are going to be just fine. Jason from Eggo Waffles is really pissed but hey that’s business man.

Also, guess what? My dad’s cancer has been cured. Turns out that he had a protein deficiency because he had exclusively been eating eggnog for 35 years. I made him have some steak and chicken for like 2 weeks straight and he’s totally fine. He will not be paying back Stephanie for the medical bills though because that kind of defeats the purpose of the gift.

We rejoice! The business is saved and my dad is eating solid foods again. What could wrong? Oh not much, just my girlfriend, the Pop Star, flying into town to surprise me!  What a nice gesture but sorry. Too late. I’ve moved on. I love Stephanie now. We get married. Buddy is my son. I learn the secret ingredient to the egg nog (it’s love.)  I spurn Big Business forever and start Work Retire Die. Credits roll.

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I wanted to play myself, but the producers felt would be intimidated by my jawline so we’re stuck with this schmuck. 

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