Work.Retire.Die.

I’ll be honest, I think work phones are completely pointless like 90% of the time. I’ve had one for each job I’ve had since college and it’s pretty much a waste of company money. I really just use it for Google Maps so I don’t have to use my own data and to check my calendar when I wake up in the morning so I know if I can show up late or not. Honestly, sometimes I completely forget about it and just let it die for the week. However, my current work phone has proved to be immensely valuable as a source of endless entertainment.

I’ve had my current work phone for about a year and it’s been a wild ride. Whoever had this number before me was an interesting dude and gets a shitload of texts and calls. Depending on who’s texting, he either goes by “Khyri” or “The Enoch.” I’ve been able to gain a few insights from texts and voicemails he’s gotten over the year and have learned a few things.

• He has student loans and is looking to refinance them
• He is looking to buy a home at a reasonable mortgage rate
• He is probably a drug dealer (lot of 4 am missed calls from people asking for a hook-up)

Normally, I don’t respond to the texts or just say “you got the wrong number.” Don’t need that in my life. However, last week I decided to play along and let me just say, it was a wild ride. From now on, I will be replying to every text, chasing the elusive high of this insane conversation. Enjoy

The Texts

When I initially got this text, I was excited. I’ve been trying to form a vision of who this  character was for several months. Learning he is a waiter at Red Lobster helped sharpen some of those edges for me. Now, I am assuming he is a waiter or server and does not work for Red Lobster’s corporate headquarters, but I may just be judging unfairly.

As you can see, I crafted a hilarious response that felt in the tone of voice that Khyrie may use. From a humor perspective, I’d say it was a B- but that’s not the point. The point is, it got the conversation going.

The conversation continued and was pretty standard stuff. At some point, I actually began to become interested in this InstaCart. Don’t love my job and it’d be nice to be my own boss and become a bit more entrepreneurial.

Ok so rjennette was starting to become VERY persuasive. She may have a future in sales. I was surprised she just glazed over the “Can I bring my parents” text, but maybe Khyrie is very family oriented. Close to his parents. Maybe he brings his parents to work all the time. The point is, i don’t know.

As you can see from my last text, i decided to take this conversation to the next level. Stir the pot a little bit.

So this is when it starts to get a little crazy. I asked if they background check and she asks if I killed someone. Interesting. Does that mean Khyrie is the kind of person who may have killed someone? Or is she just being funny? I don’t know, but for the first time I started to get a little nervous.

Then she starts to ask about Dionte. Sounds like a nice enough chap. i don’t want to drag him into this mess so I figured let’s just focus on the potential murder and let Dionte live his life. However, my friend was QUITE shocked to hear we don’t speak. Interesting. Let’s see where this goes.

Ok so interesting twist. Dionte and I live together. Couldn’t have seen that one coming. Interesting how we skipped right past the potential murder conviction into my relationship with Dionte but that’s neither here nor there. Not one to judge.

I appear to have backed myself into a bitttt of a corner here. Am I worried? Yes. Have I focused on anything at work in the past hour? No.

Twist of the century. For those of you white folks, “Cooche” is a misspelling of “coochie” which means lady sex parts. And apparently I (Khyrie) do NOT like cooche. So I am gay. Again, very hard to see that one coming. First Dionte and I live together, and now I am gay but we stopped speaking over a girl?

At this point, I haven’t done a single thing at work for coming up on 2 hours. I’m nervous and excited. I can’t keep up the gig any longer. I wish I was stronger, but alas, I am a weak weak man. And sometimes, admitting that takes strength.

I really should check out InstaCart.