Work.Retire.Die.

Editor’s Note: Sometimes in the working world, you come across names that are so unbelievable, you just have to Snapchat your friends about it. Our latest guest columnist, Emperor Mizuno, has compiled a list of business folk he’s dealt with over the past 3 years with the kind of names that almost certainly ruined their middle school experience. He’s even been so kind as to arrange them on a corporate softball team for your enjoyment. These guys may not beat the Yankees, but they will almost definitely beat the Mets. 

PS- I cannot stress enough that these are real people. All names have not been changed because you can’t make this shit up. Warning– this may get playfully racist, but you probably knew that coming in.

The Line-up

Gord Cheesbrough- C

Has there ever been a more catcher name in the history of hardball? This guy would seriously bully the shit out of the fat ginger in The Sandlot and probably James Earl Jones too.

Dick Bluitt- 1B

Yes it’s pronounced Dick blew-it. What’d he blow? Maybe it was the season when he struck out looking with bases loaded. Maybe it’s something more salacious. Frankly, I’m not at liberty to speak, but let’s just say he’s not afraid to get down and dirty for his teammates and he’s not here to just jerk around. 

Wilson Pringle- 2B

I mean….Pringle. That’s some funny stuff. 

Manmeet Singh- SS

When you think of your shortstop, you think of a big swinging dick. The captain of your team. Derek Jeter banging the hottest lineup of girls. And you think of Manmeet Singh. An absolute backstop in the field, career .330 hitter and slayer of ladies everywhere this is the type of firecracker you build your franchise around. Plus his name is Man-Meat which is kinda crazy.

Square Poon- 3B

Weirdly shaped lady parts

Azra Slavic- LF

Serbian for Ass slave

Thongchai Charoonyingyong- RF

At a loss here. Your guess is as good as mine. Could’ve been the guy Jack Black beat in Ball of Fury? A yoga pose? Some herbal Tea? Or just a tiny Vietnamese man.

Flaven L. Butler- CF

You don’t know for sure, but you strongly suspect Flaven’s daddy owns the team and that’s the only reason he gets to start. Extremely prissy and stuck-up, he’s afraid to slide (can’t ruin the khakis) but not afraid to call off every outfielder on pop flies wayyyy out of his range. 

Swastika Singh- P

The older brother of Manmeet, he’s precise, disciplined like a well-oiled machine, and has an absolutely unhittable slider they call “Blitzkrieg.” You want to say his parents named him after the Native American symbol for rising and setting sun, but you realize that’s the wrong kind of Indian. Regardless, him and Manmeet are a better brother/brother combo than Amir and Ahmed Khan in Backyard Baseball. 

Bench

Ernie Crookshank- Closer

Known to steal wins when he had no business winning the game. Also stole my girlfriend. And gave me chlamidia. 

Africa Muñoz- Relief Pitcher

Like the TOTO song hahahaha get it? Black panther was so dope haha Wakanda Forever!!!

Ninel Stigger- Relief Pitcher

You’re already thinking it so I don’t have to say it (you’re welcome compliance team)

CHINGIZ BIGALIMOV- DH

YES THIS GUY’S NAME ACTUALLY COMES UP IN ALL-CAPS ON HIS EMAIL. HE ONLY TYPES IN CAPS AS WELL AND IS A LOUD RUSSIAN WHO ONLY YELLS AND IS TERRIFYING AND I HOPE HE NEVER READS THIS. HE LOVES PUTIN (…and Trump??)

MU TANG- Team Rapper

His clan ain’t nothing to fuck with

Precious Bowser- Manager

Based on the novel Push by Sapphire. The only thing she chases harder than the Corporate Slow-Pitch Softball League Title is those damn Italians Mario and Luigi.

Iwueze Chukwudi- Bench Coach

How much Chukwudi would a Chudwudi chuk if Iweuze could Chukwudi

So remember loyal readers, if you ever get tricked into the trap of parenthood, just name your kid something normal like John or Joseph. But not Mike. There are too many fucking Mikes.