Work.Retire.Die.

After open bars and oral sex, friends are the best thing in the world. Just to be clear, because I know the title may be confusing- yes I have friends. Probably 1 million. Most are voluntary, several tolerate me and a few even respond to my texts. Sometimes I think I might have too many friends. But that’s neither here nor there. The point is having good friends is what makes life worth living.

Making friends is easy in college- you’ve got a billion people in your age range, living within a mile of you, with similar interests, backgrounds, intelligence, and values. Your main responsibility is going to class for like 3 hours of the day and then kicking it the rest of the time and getting fucked up. If you can’t make friends in college, no offense but this blog isn’t for you.

However, it can be tricky in the post-grad life. If you’re lucky, you move to a city with a bunch of people you know from college, high school, or some weird summer camp you went to. But chances are, you’ll end up moving back to your parents house in the suburbs but all your home friends moved away and the closest city is like 2 hours away. Or you find yourself taking your first real job in some random ass city where you don’t know a ton of people. I did this after college- it’s tough and that abrupt solitude can be a little jarring.

Like I always say, you can be a whiner or you can be a winner. In this broken world, no one else is responsible for your happiness but you. So stop whining and start winning.

Here’s how you stay sane when you need some fucking friends.

Pro-Tip 1: Join a group or team

Lots of people turn their nose up at joining an organized group. I get it- it definitely feels like a nerd move and most of the people in them are probably squares. Well dude, I’m not the one who’s reading a blog about not having any friends so maybe get off your high horse.

Find something you’re actually interested in and look up to see if there are groups around you. Since most people here are cool, I’d say start with some sort of sports league. Kickball, dodgeball, basketball, softball, rugby, lacrosse, whatever. Even if you don’t know anyone, most teams will be 1 or 2 people short and will let you join a random team as a free agent or something. Will this be awkward at first? Yes, probably. But would you rather be a little awkward for a few days or sit home and twiddle your thumbs like a jackass? Exactly. Just be yourself and they’ll see you for the cool guy you are soon enough 🙂

If you’re not into sports, then find whatever it is you like. Music, painting, video games, book clubs, volunteering. I don’t really know because I don’t really care. It’s 2018, you can go on the Internet and find a place to meet up with like-minded people. BUT the most important thing is that there is drinking afterwards. The best way to become friends with someone is to get black out drunk with them. And if they’re not interested in that kind of stuff? Then at least you know you don’t want to be friends with them.

Pro-Tip 2: Give your co-workers a chance

We’ve touched on befriending co-workers in the past. Many people are apprehensive about becoming friends with coworkers out of work and for good reason. You don’t want to 1) attach yourself to a complete weirdo who you can’t shake or 2) do something embarrassing and have to face them every single day.

It really depends on your workplace and your situation. If you’re lucky, you find yourself in a similar setup as college and you’ll naturally have a lot in common with your co-workers. Everyone’s in the same age range, makes the same amount of money, is from the same sort of school, likes the same kind of shit, etc. In which case, dive right in. Having friends who are coworkers is actually really fun. You’ll always have stuff to talk about (like how annoying Marsha in HR is) and you can snicker about the weekend when you see each other on Monday. Plus, chances are they have a bunch of friends in your town or city and you can start chilling with them too.

But you may have some lame-ass job and everyone is like 40. Then that kind of sucks. Try to find a few people your age at a company happy hour or something like that. Maybe some of these squares will end up being cool. Probably not. But you’ll never know if you don’t try pal.

Pro-Tip 3: Do you

Maybe you’ve tried really hard to make friends and it’s just not working. Maybe you’re feeling like a big fat loser. Don’t worry, you’re not crazy. You are a loser. Buttttt I encourage you to look at the bright side and recognize this for the opportunity that it is. This is your chance to really focus on yourself and make some improvements that you desperately need.

Here’s a few things you could do with all the free time you have (loser)

• Get really into your job
  • Kinda lame
• Get in insane shape
  • Maybe you’ll get a girlfriend or maybe you’ll just be super strong. Either way, that’s pretty cool man.
• Save money
  • And go visit your friends and regret that you moved to a random ass city.
• Make money
  • Bitcoin, stock-market, t-shirt company. Don’t know because I’m bad at making money.
• Get a dog
  • Man’s best friend!
• Get really good at video games
  • Not lame at all
• Do a lot of like nature stuff
  • Hiking, skiing, surfing. Get up and get out! Play 60
• Learn a cool talent
  • Whittling, juggling, how to open beer bottles with your forearm. All cool stuff that could come in handy in case you actually make friends and need to impress them.
• Read a book
  • Just fucking do it and stop complaining
• Write a blog on the Internet
  • Again this is not about me I have many friends I’m just saying you could do it if you wanted to.

Pro-Tip 4: Get your date on

Now, if you’ve really tried to make friends and improve yourself and still feel a little empty, fill that hole with some good old fashioned dating. Yes this is a gender inclusive blog (hello ladies) so this applies to both of the sexes. In today’s world of dating apps, it’s easier than ever to meet up with the opposite sex. You should be spending your week nights swiping right and meeting up with people for drinks and doing corny shit like going to museums. Even if it doesn’t work out long term, chances are you’ll meet a few of their friends, see some places you hadn’t before, and book yourself a one-way train to happy town.

Normally, this is a no girlfriends blog, but in this case I’ll make an exception. Nothing helps you feel less lonely than than those sweet endorphins of new love. Nothing fills your day quite like hanging out with someone you like who you also have sex with (assuming you are married of course.) Plus, since you have literally nothing else going on, you can actually be a good boyfriend for once! Focus all your attention and energy on your new bae and make sure you completely smother them and drive them away forever.

Now is it “healthy” to get into a serious relationship just because you’re feeling lonely and bored and don’t know anyone else? Of course not. But if you wanted good advice, you’d be reading Business Insider or Forbes or some shit. Here at WRD, we are very ok with sacrificing long term mental and emotional health for short term happiness. Kind of our MO.

Pro-Tip 5: Just say yes

This is sort of the over-arching theme of this post. Yes, it’s scary, but you gotta just say yes to everything that comes up, because you really never know. Say yes to that random person who messaged you on CraigsList to be your roommate. Meet up with that friend of a friend for drinks. Go alone to that concert that’s in town for the band you like. Go to the bar alone. Join your kinda lame co-worker’s softball league. Take your savings and invest in a WordPress blog breaking down post-grad life. Just say yes.

All you need is for one thing to work out. You’ll make a friend. They’ll have more friends. Maybe they will have a boat and a private jet and an island in the Bahamas. Maybe not. But if you don’t try, how will you know?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!

If this all doesn’t work out, just move to where your friends are. Jobs are pretty stupid. Unless you are doing what you love or like chasing down a dream, it’s not worth feeling lonely. You’re only young once- don’t waste it being miserable.

That’s the blog folks. And just to be clear- I have friends. Stop asking me that.