What Your Summer Vacation Says About You: A Hater’s Guide
This article is part of our Summer Friday series. Every Friday we’ll be dropping a new summer related article to get you through to happy hour. Check out all Summer Friday content here and email us at firstname.lastname@example.org if you’d like to guest write.
Summer is finally here and it’s time to start planning your vacation! Here’s why whatever you do is wrong and stupid according to me, a stranger on the Internet who has gone on every single one of these trips because he has no real sense of identity.
1. Wedding Every Weekend – Can’t Say No
You used all your vacation days to travel across the country to celebrate the happiest day of other people’s lives not because you are selfless, but because you are dumb. You’re either terrified of people hating you (because you hate yourself) or have a misplaced hero complex and think that if you don’t come, the night will be ruined for everyone. The only thing harder than sacrificing your entire savings and sanity to be at your ex-coworker’s wedding in Michigan this summer is accepting that they truly just invited you to be polite and are hoping you say no.
2. Jersey Shore: You Like to Black Out
You like having fun but you love emptying your checking account and spending your rent money on Spring Lakers so you can forget how shitty your actual life is. You’re either a lifelong Jersey Shore resident who hates that people are visiting your town to keep your dad’s small business afloat or a New Yorker with a share house in Manasquan who cosplays as a local and quotes a reality show that aired 13 years ago because you think it’s cute. No matter where you fall, you’re most likely just mad you couldn’t afford to go to the Hamptons this weekend and have to be drunk for 48 straight hours to forget about it.
3. Camping – You Went to Bowdoin
Your idea of a good time is the worst thing I can imagine. The concepts of “relaxation” or “seeing the world” or “having fun” pale in comparison to the joy that comes with going backwards in civilization. You’re risking death from a bear attack just to feel a completely manufactured connection to nature. You turn your nose up at people who spend their long weekends “enjoying themselves” while you rough it in a national park with $2,000 worth of camping gear and a portable WiFi hotspot your parents paid for (along with rent and private school tuition for 11 years.)
4. Staycation – Boring and/or Poor
You didn’t plan anything this year and blame money or your “crazy work schedule” that’s only crazy because you’re covering for coworkers who actually used their PTO, but the truth is you are in the passenger seat of life. You have the same thing for lunch every day, go out to the same 2 bars every single weekend (if you go out at all) and haven’t made a new friend in 11 years. You convince yourself this is the weekend you change all that, but after trying out that Thai restaurant and visiting the museum for 45 minutes, you realize that change is stupid and hard. You end up doing chores and catching up on work by the end of the weekend because you’re just so bored.
5. The Hamptons: You Want to Be Seen
You are more concerned with appearing like you’re having fun than actually having fun. Nothing gives you a sicker thrill than posting an Instagram with the location at “Montauk, End of the World“ and mentioning at work the next week that you totally did a shot with Paige from Summer House and “she’s really great in person.” Sure, you didn’t actually get in to the bar and she was just doing shots at the same time as you were drinking from a water bottle of Vodka in line, but it totally counts. You think every problem can be solved with money or a very exaggerated lie about your life and you might be right.
6. Music Festival: Molly Addict with FOMO
You are a big fan of intense, unforgettable experiences that you’ll forget about in 7 business days. There is something so beautifully brave about a 34-year-old stuffing themselves into festival gear and pretending to be a fairy for 3 days straight in the middle of a desert and I don’t really mean that as a compliment. You’re worried about missing out when you should be worried about settling down or fixing your credit score. You really like drugs and aren’t afraid to let everyone know about it. Like Adam Sandler, Chingy or 75% of the US Senate, you really should’ve just hung it up a few years ago and let the next generation have their fun, but you keep ruining your legacy by trying to prove you’ve got it.
7. Disney Adult: Former Theatre Kid, Current Karen
You’ve managed to channel the intensity you bring to work, helicopter-parenting your children, and reporting minor HOA violations in your neighborhood into worshipping a corporation in your free time. It’s rare to see someone with your combination of passion, unaddressed childhood trauma and total lack of self-awareness out in the real world and lord is it a terror to watch. Your first crush was an animated mammal and that impacts your sexual proclivities today. You’ve built your life around the need to escape it for one week a year in central Florida and we can all very much tell.
8. Cruise – Gross
You’re a little gross but you’ve either come to terms with that or are blissfully unaware of it. Your idea of a relaxing week off is being trapped with 2,000 strangers on a vessel that was the epicenter of a worldwide pandemic that lasted 2 years and you’re ok with that. You’re completely comfortable eating from a buffet for every meal and sharing your vacation stops with hundreds of people for 4-6 hours before rushing back onto your germ-infested floating apartment complex. You saw The Titanic and absorbed absolutely none of it.