Bottomless Brunch Breakdown
Modern society is a complicated thing. I am not a fan of a lot that is going on (forced to work, global warming, ski boots too uncomfortable to walk in, concept of a credit score, Jared Leto’s cult island, etc.) but I’ll admit that there are a few things that make me sit back and say – “Ok Capitalism, I fuck with the vision.” At the very top of that short list is Bottomless Brunch.
God really did smile on all of us when he invented this bad boy. It’s the perfect combination of the 4 best things about your 20s – open bar, overpriced eggs, spending time with friends and Instagram story content – all for a relatively reasonable price. When executed correctly, you’ll have a Saturday to remember (or forget) for the rest of your life. If done poorly, you’ll end up passed out a pregame 6 hours later with 11 missed calls and your credit card missing. Chilling stuff.
That’s where we come in. Bottomless Brunch is not something to be taken lightly. Here’s how you can make Bottomless Brunch your bitch.
Bottomless Brunch Breakdown
Pre-Brunch Preparation:
Eliminate All Distractions
This goes for you psychos who have to work on weekends sometimes and don’t know how to draw boundaries with your boss.
You are going to be getting drunk today. You should not be emailing, or Slacking, or sending text messages that actually matter. Leave the work phone at home, mute your notifications,
Timing:
For the first time in your life, you need to be on time for something because bottomless brunches are brutal. There is a strict 2 hour time limit for most places and if you’re late, you’re just leaving valuable alcohol on the table. Even worse, you start pounding mimosas to catch up and end up in horrible shape.
I don’t even want to talk about the nightmare situation of the hostess not seating your table until your entire party has arrived. Don’t make your friends wait and leave 10 minutes earlier than you have to.
Arrival:
Seat Selection
It’s not an understatement to say that this might be the most important decision that you make today.
If you’re in a big group, you want to get yourself right in the middle of the table. This will give you flexibility to talk to multiple different areas of the table, which is useful for people like myself who get easily bored in conversations and/or realize that they start to become very annoying to people after about 3 mins of interaction. It’s ok if you get stuck at the end of the table, as long as you’re surrounded by at least 1, preferably 2 people sitting next to or across from you that you can chat it up with.
For a smaller group, the decision becomes even more complex. If you’re with close friends, who cares but if you’re stuck next to your friend’s coworker and their boyfriend who you’ve never met, good freaking luck. You’re gonna have to make at least 2 bathroom trips and check your phone every 11 minutes just to make it out of there alive.
And please God, make sure that you don’t sit next to Brad.
Ordering Process:
Liquids
I adhere to the 4 liquid strategy for most bottomless brunches
1. Water – for hydration
2. Coffee – for energy (you have a long day ahead of you)
3. Orange Juice – for flavor (and Vitamin C)
4. Alcohol – for drunk
Quick Power Ranking of Best Alcohols to Get at a Bottomless
5. Blood Mary – this is really only good for 1 or 2 servings. 5 Blood Maries (sp?) is disgusting. You might as well drink a bottle of ketchup at the point.
4. Beer or Wine – just not a brunch drink. Save this for an open bar or some shit. Embrace the moment.
3. Mimosa – a classic for sure, but champagne leads to a badddd hangover. These also go down a littttleee too smooth.
2. Nice Cocktail – for the bougie folks out there. Some places will let you have like a Negroni which is nice of them but like, we’re not really here to enjoy a nice cocktail. Are you pairing this negroni with mediocre salmon and eggs?
1. Screwdriver – mimosa minus the hangover. Book it.
Solids
I want to make something clear – when it comes to bottomless brunch, you are not there for the food. That’s what a normal brunch is for. The food at a bottomless brunch is merely fuel to get you through the day. No one wants bad food, but temper your expectations a bit.
As a bad boy, I always order steak and eggs, cooked rare and runny, but order whatever you want. Make sure you get your carbs and protein and maybe even a side salad or fruit cup. This way you won’t feel bad about skipping a workout class today so gorge yourself on alcohol and pancakes.
Halfway Point:
Around the time your food arrives, it’s time to do a quick check in.
1- Go to the Bathroom
Check your phone, splash some water on your face, take a bit of breather. Look yourself in the mirror and decide if you want to continue to be this person. That kind of thing.
2– Get Some More Water
Hydration is the name of the game here. You need to be pounding water like your life depends on it to stay ahead of that hangover tomorrow and make sure you don’t get out of control. Water is bottomless today too so don’t leave any glass undrunk (is this a word?)
3– Check In On Yourself
Just how drunk are you? Are you being nice to the waitress or incredibly annoying? Did you really need to post that Instagram story? Should you really be texting that person right now?
Take a second to pause, reflect on your actions, and then listen to none of that and keep going.
Wrapping It Up
Get your last round of drinks in right before the 2 hour window closes and ask for the check. There’s really only two rules when it comes to the check.
1.One Check Split Evenly
We’re adults here. The days of 11 separate checks that everyone pays for with a debit card are over. Have one person put down their card, get all the credit card points, and Venmo charge everyone Monday morning when they wake up in a stake of panic over their decisions from the week.
The same goes for itemizing a bill and separately charging each person for what they ordered. It’s a bottomless brunch for Christ’s sake – everyone paid the same for booze and if someone had a meal that was $4 more expensive than someone else, it’s not the end of the world. (says me, the guy who always orders 4 coffees and steak and eggs , easily a top 3 most expensive item on the menu.)
2. Tip Well
I know you’re nice people but a group of drunk people in the morning is any waiters nightmare. Do the right thing.
Post Game
There are many ‘experts’ that will say, DON’T MAKE PLANS FOR AFTER BOTTOMLESS BRUNCH. Shut the hell up. You want us to sit down for 2 hours, chug as much alcohol as possible, and then stumble outside into the bright sun at 3 pm and then go home? That’s crazy talk.
The key to post brunch plans are to make them loose. Find a bar in the neighborhood or go to someone’s apartment who lives around the corner. You’ve gotten a great start to the day and it’d be an incredible shame to waste something like that. It’s important to keep in mind though that as good as you feel, you really only have 2 – 4 more hours in you before you pass the fuck out.
Avoid committing to any night time plans. Around 5 or 6 pm, start planning your exit route. It’s time to land this plane with a night of delivery food, smoking a pinch or two of weed, putting on a movie, and passing out at 9 pm.
