Work.Retire.Die.

Every month or so, when I can’t think of anything to write about, we do a mailbag and answer your burning questions about work, life, and everything in between. Get your questions in for the next mailbag by emailing workretiredie@gmail.com and check out our previous mailbags here.

Work Retire Mailbag. Vol 7

1. Is this recruiter trying to hook up with me or are they just good at their job?

One of the most timeless questions in human history. Generally speaking, recruiters fall into three main buckets – very hot, very outgoing, or some combination of both. It makes sense because on, most recruiters, especially on the ground floor, are essentially professional flirts.

There is nothing wrong with that. Plenty of people flirt for a living – waiters, bartenders, salespeople, real estate agents, exotic dancers, actors, your neighbor whose window that you can see directly into and you know they keep making eye contact with you because they’re definitely in love with you.  Some jobs just require you to be a fun, engaging, and attractive enough to keep people interested in spending more time with you. That’s life baby. It’s part of the game. You need to accept that and take it for what it is.

Long story short, they are most likely not trying to hook up with you. Mainly because you’re not that hot, but also because they’re just working.

2. Is there anything worse than working on MLK Day?

There are a lot of things worse. Global warming, racism (arguably part of having to work on MLK), wet socks, genocide, the last season of Game of Thrones, overly chatty Uber drivers, clogging the toilet in someone’s house that you’re not particularly close to, etc.

However, it definitely sucks. It’s brutal to sit your ass at your computer on a Monday afternoon project status call while everyone you know and love is posting Instagram stories of cool vacations or building snowmen in the streets or some shit. It’s brutal. Not only does your company not have the decency to pay you a decent salary, they don’t even honor Presidents! Or Martin Luther King Jr! Or Columbus (maybe that’s actually a good thing.) If we can’t respect bank holidays, what can we respect in this world?

Quick Power Ranking of the Worst Days to Have to Work:

5. Super Bowl Monday

4. Federal Holiday When Everyone Else Has Off (Presidents, MLK, Bad Man Who “discovered” America day, etc.)

3. First Monday after New Year’s

2. Day after blacking out at a work event

1. Day after finding out you didn’t get the job you were interviewing for and you had already mentally prepared to quit your current job and stopped working completely.

3. Going on my first bachelor party. Any tips?

While it might be obvious, the general rule of thumb as a guest on a bachelor part is that it’s all about the groom. I know that everyone is the main character in their own movie, but this weekend really has nothing to do with you and what you think is fun.  Your job is to be a supporting character that elevates the weekend, not the guy who takes over and pisses everyone off. Think Klay Thompson not Russell Westbrook.

No one likes the guy who is pushing everyone to go to the strip club or hit some bar 45 minutes away when that’s just like not the vibe at all. At the same time, bachelor parties are about making some memories with your closest friends. There’s always room to push the group to get outside their comfort zone. Just read the room.

Other quick tips:

• Always get the early flight out. Pay more for the direct flight if you need to.
• Groom pays for nothing.
• Pace yourself.
• Do NOT dress up in themed costumes or shirts or whatever.
• If you’re dating / married to someone, check in throughout the day via text and maybe get a quick call in during the afternoon between events. If you don’t, you’ll find yourself on phone at like 11 pm because you’ve gone radio silent for 14 hours and they’re worried/pissed at you when all you want to do is get hammered with everyone else.

Sidenote –  why does every movie have the bachelor party the night before the wedding? When has that ever happened? A bachelor party requires at least a 3 days recovery period. Why would you want to be that hungover for your wedding? I would recommend NOT doing that if you’re a groom.

4. Will you ever run out of hippo content?

For those of you who aren’t subscribed to our email newsletter, every week we drop a new Historical Photo of a Hippo of the Week. It’s beautiful and it’s a shining example of relentlessly committing to a bit far longer than is reasonable or necessary. If you aren’t on our distro, sign up here.

Anyways, the answer to this question is absolutely not. Even if hippos go extinct, that will create a whole new genre of content and add even more weight to the historical photo of a hippo of the week, because EVERY photo will truly be historical.

Quick Power Ranking of My Top 3 Favorite Historical Photos of Hippos of the Week:

3. This Motherfucker

2. This stunning piece of art

1. Historical Photo of a Hip Po

5. Am I crazy for wanting to go back to the office? I’m not that scared of COVID, bored out of my mind at home, and genuinely miss seeing my coworkers, getting lunch with people, going to happy hours, flirting with my work husband, and all that stuff. Am I going stir crazy at home or is this a legitimate thing?

Not crazy at all. Obviously, WFH is great but I also miss seeing actual human beings. I’d say one of the weirdest parts about professional life these days is how inconsistent WFh/in office policies are for everyone. Some people (hardos in finance) are in the office every day. Some people have zero plans to every go to the office and have moved to like Mexico or Denver or some shit. Some people are required to go into once or twice a week, some people are encouraged to do so, etc.

It’s madness. How are you supposed to make relatable workplace memes and blogs in this environment!

Personally, I’m in the office about once a week or so and as happy as a clam. Here’s some of the benefits of showing up to an office in person.

1. Sitting on a call on mute with your coworkers and making fun of the people on the other line.

2. Access to printers

3. Feeling a sense of closure when you leave the office.

4. Killing time in the 4 minutes between calls with human conversation.

5.  Appreciating working from home

6. Seeing the sunlight for the first time in days.

7. Charm your coworkers into liking you even though you don’t do any actual work.