Upperclassman’s Guide to a Hangover
*Editor’s Note – this article comes from our beloved Interns, Intern Tavi and Sam the Intern. More of their college content can be found here.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, you will never achieve a complete mastery of managing hangovers. In fact, as time goes on, your hangovers will mostly begin to worsen, and you’ll discover that you cannot drink with the same intensity as you once could. Luckily, we have not been so unfortunate to approach these years of our lives and we actually have entered the sweet spot in our youth that optimizes hangover bodily potential and the wisdom to manage said hangovers. With extensive personal research, after repeated trial and error, over a testing period of approximately 5 years, we give you the college Upperclassman’s guide to hangovers…
Drink Water in Between Drinks (even though that’s lame)
You can actually start your battle against a hangover before it even starts. Even though you’ll look like a total loser who “cares about his body” and “has work to do tomorrow”, drinking water in between drinks is a proven hack to hangovers. I did it once, so I would know. Every beer, or two, or six, grab yourself a glass of water and chug it. Thank yourself in the morning. Warning: with the combined alcohol and water volume in your stomach, you are at high risk of peeing yourself (either awake or asleep.) Yes, drink water between drinks, but do not black out and pee-pee your bed. Totally embarrassing and counter-productive.
I’ve mentioned the wonderful elixir we all call Pedialyte before, but I have to mention it again here. The stuff is unrivaled as a hangover cure. Sure, it’s designed for young children who throw up from a tummy ache. But that won’t stop a tough man like me from drinking it every Sunday morning. At this point, I love pedialyte so much that I drink it when I’m not hungover. You can also use it as a mixer/chaser. Beating a hangover is chess not checkers – it pays dividends to be a step or two ahead.
Advil Your Liver into Oblivion
When in doubt, put down some Advil or Tylenol–they have certainly come in handy for early morning classes after a night of drinking. This is a tried and true method. Let’s say you wake up with a pounding headache and feeling like Oscar the Grouch. Suck down a couple of these magical little pills and you’ll turn that frown upside down! Thanks big pharma.
Be a Man and Use Your Hand…Throw Up
I was very anti pulling trig for the entirety of high school. Why? I don’t know, maybe because I was coddled and the thought of shoving my finger down my throat sounded a little gay? I’m now confident enough in my manhood that I can say 1) Ryan Gosling is hot, and 2) pulling trig is cool. It’s frankly really disgusting but getting that demon they call alcohol out of your body is the quickest way to a recovery.
There’s some dumb science nerds who say eating greasy foods isn’t good for a hangover and won’t help. Fuck those guys. I’ve eaten a double double animal style from In-and-Out at 10 am with no remorse. Once you become a man by using your hand, replenish your body with greasy yucky carbs. It might give you the shits and make you feel like you suddenly gained 40 pounds, but that’s a small price to pay for salvation.
Lay in Bed and Moan
Sometimes, none of the above works. That’s life. In this case, the best you can do is lay in bed and moan. Did you actually think that a hangover guide written by two college kids would really work? Idiot.