Work.Retire.Die.

Thanksgiving is a day of celebration for many, as families come together to feast, watch a parade with giant balloons of characters that peaked in popularity in 1964, and get a little too aggressive in a game of backyard touch football. However, at the White House, it is a day of darkness, as the President takes a break from running the free world to play God and spare the life of one turkey while publicly executing another.

This year, ‘Corn,’ the 42 lb Iowan bird that captured America’s heart, was pardoned for his many crimes by the President. For those of you coastal elites who don’t stay up to date on all things turkey, here’s some fun facts that the White House provided about Mr. Corn.

Corn – The Turkey That Had it All

With his new lease on life, Corn will now spend his remaining years at Iowa State University, most likely getting absolutely shitfaced at the football tailgates and creeping out freshman girls, who aren’t really that impressed that he won America’s Best Turkey 3 years ago. And that’s when he’s not gallivanting across the Midwest trying to find that perfect tornado, hoping to high jump his way into a twister and fulfill his sick little storm chasing addiction. It’s a waste of government resources and I’m not going to stand for it.

I apologize for my bitterness and I truly don’t want to hold anything against Corn. I just wish we could have let Cob live instead, a sweet soul who made the most of his 4 months on Earth and left a nation mourning and wondering what could have been.

Remembering Cob, Who Never Stood a Chance

I like to think that this beautiful, silly bird is in a better place, filling his gullet with soybeans and somehow learning to playing pickle-ball despite his lack of arms. I think it’s pretty unlikely that he has learned how to bicycle, not to mention across the entire state of Iowa, but I want to believe he’ll at least get a chance to see the Lincoln Memorial. One thing is for certain, he is hard at work solving the greatest puzzle of our time….why he died while Corn lived.

It’s important to remember the other turkeys who gave their lives. A quick moment of silence for the last 5 years of Turkey Trials:

• 2019 – Bread (Pardoned); Butter (Slaughtered)
• 2018 – Peas (Pardoned); Carrots (Pardoned)
• 2017 – Drumstick (Pardoned); Wishbone (Slaughtered)
• 2016 – Tater (Pardoned); Tots (Slaughtered)

Cob had to know the second that he got his name that he was headed to Washington. If you’re a turkey and named any sort of food combination (Peanut Butter or Jelly, or even worse Mashed or Potato) it’s pretty likely that at some point in your life, you’ll stand trial at the White House. Just a matter of time.

There is so much darkness in this world but for one shining moment, we had Cob. And now we don’t. I don’t see a way forward but I trust that Corn will guide us from above.