Work.Retire.Die.

This Halloween has got me thinking about how the holiday changes as you get older. First Halloween rules then it sucks then its fine then it rules then it sucks then it’s fine again. Somewhere in there, you are a baby. Make sense? Didn’t think so.

Luckily, I took the time out of my busy schedule to break down the pros and cons of Halloween at each age group and deliver the official ranking. As always, all decisions are final and accurate.

7. Ages 13 – 16 (Middle School/Early High School)

This shit sucks. You’re too old to go trick or treating and you’re too young to do anything cool. You feel awkward about everything, so you don’t want to really commit to a costume because you’re worried people will think you’re a loser. Also, this age just sucks to begin with, so that doesn’t help.

In some neighborhoods, you have Mischief Night on October 30th. This is when you went around, committed petty crimes and like toilet papered your neighbor’s trees. Cool guys. I didn’t really partake because I’m a good kid with a bright future. I just kind of played video games, ate my little brother’s candy and IM’d girls I had crushes on.

Rating: 2/10

6. Ages 35+ (Your life is over)

I’m gonna have to come out and say that if you are over 35 and have no kids, Halloween probably sucks. Or maybe it’s a good excuse to have a party. Idk. I’m not 35 and I never will be. That’s my promise to the readers.

If you have kids, this is probably fun but also a nightmare. On the one hand, your kids are happy, which is kind of best case scenario as a parent. On the other hand, you have to figure out a costume for them and they’re all hopped up on sugar and stay up way past their bedtime. Even worse, you are spending one million dollars on decorations and supplies and finally realize that Halloween is actually a gigantic conspiracy by Big Candy and Big Party City. And even worse, no one is sexy anymore (they’re over 30) so what’s the point?

Rating: 3/10 (I’m just guessing)

5. Age 1 – 6 (Baby)

You are not a person. Your parents dress you as a pumpkin and it’s cute, but you don’t really have a say in the matter. Maybe you go trick or treating but it’s really more for your parents than for you. You cannot even really speak English, form thoughts or have emotions. Sorry toddlers but YOU DON’T COUNT.  

Rating: 4/10 (everything is pretty much fine when you’re a toddler) 

4. Ages 18 – 22 (College)

Don’t get me wrong. Halloween in college is a wild, fun time and you can wear whatever funny or sexy costume you want. But that is honestly every single weekend in college. There’s no real difference between a Halloween party and a Golf Pros and Tennis Hoes theme party that is definitely not problematic at all.

Rating: 5/10

3. Ages 16 – 18 (late high School)

You are finally decided to grow up and underage drink, so your parties are actually fun. This is your first exposure to sexy costumes and is a prime chance to make out. Trust me I made out constantly in high school, don’t worry about me.

Even better, your parents are probably kind of drunk themselves from their adult party, so when you get home so you won’t get in trouble for slugging 6 Mike’s Hard Penises Lemonades. Also, your credit score is still perfectly fine and not impacting what apartments you can or can’t rent.

Rating: 6/10

2. Age 22 – 35

We pour the hate on heavy in last week’s blog What Your Halloween Costume Says about You: A Hater’s Guide, so I won’t get in too deep with costume breakdowns or things that suck about adult Halloween (too much pressure, it’s too cold to wear half the good costumes, etc.)

Instead, let’s touch on some good things about Halloween during your extended adolescence (adulthood without children.)

1. Prime Instagram season.
2. Great excuse to wear something that’s not the same going out outfit you’ve worn every night since you graduated (for girls this is all black, for guys this is a flannel and jeans.)
3. Costumes provide an instant conversation starter and are way better than the standard ‘what do you do?’ ‘what college did you go to?’ small talk.
4. If you’re in a relationship, a couples costume is a fun way to show that your spark has definitely not died and you won’t break up after the holidays.
5. That one person in the office who goes way too hard and you have to try to take them seriously on a conference call when they’re dressed as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz.
6. Crimes are much easier to commit (don’t ask.)

Rating: 8/10 (since you’re probably hungover for a week straight afterwards)

1. Ages 7 – 13 (you are still pure and care about things)

The golden age. You’ve been looking forward to this day for months. You finally get to pick your own costume and show off your personality. Apparently, my personality was ‘obsessed with Wayne Chrebet’ because that’s was my costume every single year. Besides the one year I went as a cowboy, astronaut, and Wayne Chrebet (I went home and changed 3 times. Indecision is another staple of my character. And Wayne Chrebet.)

And the trick or treating. Good heavens. You’re finally old enough to go out on your own with your friends. You trade candy with them afterwards and swing some deals that would make Theo Epstein proud. Once you’re home, you hide your good candy so your mom doesn’t take it, and gorge yourself on Twix, Reese’s and Pixie Sticks until you hit that beautiful sugar high. You’re 10 years old and everything is new and matters and you don’t have to worry about collections agency chasing you to pay hospital bills from that time you got hit by a car. You’ll be chasing that high for the rest of your life kid. Don’t take it for granted.

Rating: 10/10