This is life now. Cope with us.

Power Ranking the Cups in My Cabinet

*Editor’s Note: This article comes from Sam the Intern from Study Party Die and is a shocking insight into how 20 year olds live their lives.

I’ve learned the hard way in college that it is crucial that you cite your sources. Especially when it’s your boss. I got this idea from an article written way back when by the man with the plan, The Content King.

Here’s the original article if you’d like to revisit: The Cups in My Apartment: A Power Ranking

As a man of tradition, I’ll be sticking with the original factors that were used in evaluating cups. They are as follows:

  • Mouth size and width
    • Is the mouth a good size so I can drink heartily? Or is it so wide that it dribbles on my shirt when I drink from it?
  • Liquid Capacity
    • Does it hold a lot of liquid? Is it too much? Or not enough?
  • Heating/Cooling ability
    • Can it keep things cool? How about hot? Does the outside of the cup change temperature, making it hard to grip?
  • Overall Durability
    • Does it break easily (pretty obvious)
  • Emotional Connection
    • My associated memories with the cup, overall fondness of the container, etc. 

At the end of the original article, it’s noted that it was not a top 15 ranking, rather Jack only owns 15 cups. You may notice my list is only 8 cups long. Similarly, I only own 8 cups. 

Power Ranking the Cups in My Cabinet

8. Starbucks Holiday Promotional Plastic Cup

For starters, this cup is clearly very old. It was meant to be thrown out after its first use, maybe its third. By now, it’s July and this cup is at least 6 months old. But I’m honestly not sure when I acquired this, so it could be from their 2018 holiday promo for all I know. It’s a decently sized cup, but given its mystery age, it being plastic, and that I pour bacon fat into it instead of into the sink like a responsible adult, this cup kinda blows. 

7. Gatorade Water Bottle

This is a great water bottle. Size, volume, holds heat or cold well, makes it look like you play sports, and is fun to squirt in your mouth (pause). But I have trust issues with this water bottle because I know its history.

I found it in a corner after sitting in my basement for weeks. I opened it only to find moldy vodka. I cleaned it out great, even dish washed it 3 whole times. But I still don’t have the courage to drink from it. 

6. “Get WheySted” Shaker Bottle

I love shaker bottles. They have ounces on the side so you can track how little water you drink, and the little spiral thing really mixes gatorade powder well when I’m sorely hungover. But this shaker bottle just reakes of gym douche which is really not something I’m going for. I’m not in good shape, but I don’t think I’m in horrible enough shape to sport this bottle sarcastically either. I’ll use it, but only in the house. 

5. Ole Reliable

Really nothing to this one. Perfectly mediocre. No designs, decent shape, doesn’t hold quite enough water, very breakable but has survived numerous falls. A real salt of the earth type glass. Formerly the bacon grease glass but it got upgraded when I discovered the Starbucks cup.  

4. 1998 Oktoberfest Jagermeister Mug

I discovered this precious piece of history in the corner of a closet while I was cleaning. This mug is super cool. I’ve never been to Oktoberfest but Jagerbombs are pretty fun and a  favorite restaurant of mine was called The Jagermeister so I can drink from this mug proudly. It’s 23 years old which is ancient in mug years, which explains the chip. There’s also a crack which very slightly seeps liquid out when you drink from this mug. Huge bummer. But it’s not so bad that I won’t still drink from it. 

3. Tall Grey Cup

Amazing function on this one. Very large (I’m guessing 20 ounces) and easy to drink from. Plus, the plastic is pretty thick so you can hold a hot cup of tea or a cold glass of ice water with no issues. It’s probably from Ikea so it has no cool designs or anything, but the overall function is great. 

2. “Our Mutual Friend Brewing” 

Coming in at number two is a staple in my household, the Our Mutual Friend Brewing cup or mug or beer mug or glass or whatever you want to call it. Either way, it’s great to drink out of. The logo has a unique font and the name is pretty catchy so I like the looks. It’s easy to drink out of and the handle fits my hand well.

Its only major flaw is its breakability. It’d be truly tragic to lose this one.  

1. “Certified Personnel” Mug

I broke my old coffee mug, which was a very dark day (it said good morning dough boy and had the pillsbury dough boy drinking a cup of coffee) so I had to replace it. I found this one at the Salvation Army and had to have it.

I’m not sure what company it’s from, but all I know is it makes me feel slightly more important drinking from a large mug that says “Certified Personnel” on it. What am I certified in? Don’t ask questions I don’t know the answers to. Anyway, it’s a great mug, but I still think about my old one every day. 

Leave a Reply