I am currently quarantined at my parents house in New Jersey with 8 other people (this is a story for another blog.) One of those people is my little brother, who is 19 and home from his freshman year of college. While it’s definitely sad that his college experience was cut short, the sadder part has been seeing the clothes that he packed as he left campus for spring break. Since he can’t go back, these will have to last him for the entirety of quarantine.
As someone who’s had to see him trot around the house in the same rotation of dumb shirts every single day, I am the most qualified man in the world to do what I consider God’s work – Power Rank the only 7 shirts that he has available to him right now.
power ranking the only 7 shirts my little brother packed for quarantine.
7. Gray Shirt That is Too Small for Him But Not in a Cool Way
This shirt fucking sucks. Every time I see him walk out of the TV room (where he sleeps because I took his bed) with this on, I want to throw up in my mouth. Not a single pattern or interesting thing about it. The material is also a bizarre mix of light cotton and mesh. Pick a lane, Reebok. Yes, it’s a Reebok shirt, which makes it even worse.
Last but not least, let’s talk fit. It is far too snug on this boy’s body. He clearly purchased it in a size too small to make himself look bigger than he is, but it just makes him look like a little boy. You’re not impressing me and you’re embarrassing yourself in front of my many readers. Get a grip.
6. University of Vermont Shirt
Sorry it’s a little blurry – I had to take this picture while he was wearing the shirt since he refused to let me take it off his body for my “stupid blog that no one reads.” I have tried to blur the can as well because 1 – no free ads and 2 – he’s 19. If any cop is reading this, please do not arrest him or make him apologize for calling my blog stupid.
Anyways, back to the shirt. It is actually a really nice shirt. I like the color scheme a lot. My only issue is that he goes to school 14 hours from University of Vermont and has never once displayed any level of interest in anything to do with Vermont. I believe he got this shirt in a Secret Santa from our cousin who goes there (shout out Grace) which is very cute. But still not enough for the top 5 from me.
5. Sleeveless T-shirt that is definitely mine
This is my shirt. I got it from a football camp that I went to in high school and got zero college scholarship offers from. I had some very fond memories with this shirt and now I find that it has been stolen from me, whisked away to a college dorm and mainly used as a bed shirt? At one point, I found the message on the back very inspiring, but that has now been tarnished for me.
Outside of ownership concerns, my real issue with shirt is the fact that it’s sleeveless and spring has BARELY sprung. It was 40 degrees and rainy yesterday – there is absolutely no need to ever wear this shirt for at least another 6 weeks. The only reason to wear this is to flaunt your dumb little muscles in the kitchen. Who are you trying to impress – Mom? Give me my shirt back.
4. Second Grey Shirt
Yes, he has two almost identical grey shirts. Only difference is that this one is actually cool and has a nice mesh material. Very breathable. That is the Under Armor difference. This is the first shirt on this list that makes me proud to be his older brother.
3. Boston Celtics Shirt
A cool shirt! A nice change of pace from the sea of grey that he is prancing around in every single day. Yes, we live in New Jersey and he’s a Celtics fan. Don’t ask.
I like this shirt because it’s forced me to take a good hard look at the Celtics logo. I have come to the decision that the mascot is a smug little prick who thinks he’s better than me. Newsflash – just because you have a bowler hat doesn’t mean you are a nice guy. Also, this guys is apparently less than a foot tall (is the logo to scale?), smokes a corn-cob pipe and needs a cane to walk – he is undoubtedly horrible at basketball. You don’t deserve your own logo.
2. Other Celtics Shirt
No you are not seeing double. This is essentially the same exact shirt as #3, just a little better. I think this shade of green is really nice and the Adidas logo really makes the shirt pop. If you’re keeping track, we have shirts from Reebok, Under Armor and Adidas. Again, no free ads, but this kid needs to get it under control.
And yes, of his 7 shirts, 2 of them are basically the same as another shirt. So it’s really more like 5 shirts. For someone who has to see him every day, it pisses me off to no end.
1. Doritos shirt (that I Bought him)
This brings me to our final shirt – the Doritos shirt I bought him at Target two weeks ago. As I was heroically risking my personal health to stock up on toilet paper and ranch dressing for the entire house, I passed by the clothing section, which is my favorite place to buy affordable casual wear. I popped in to buy some socks and maybe a sweatshirt for myself, but in the back of my mind, I couldn’t stop thinking about how pathetic it was that my little brother kept wearing the same grey shirt or Celtics tee every day. That’s when I saw this bad boy.
This is undeniably one of the coolest shirts in the entire continental US. It was also perfect for my brother because that kid fucking loves Doritos. It’s the only thing he ever puts on the grocery list and his fingers are always coated in chip dust (usually purple but sometimes orange.) It also had the added bonus of being a long sleeve shirt and he literally only had t-shirts to wear. Again, spring has not sprung.
So I bought it for him and now he wears it every day. And that’s why I can write this blog and not be an asshole. Because I spent $16.99 one time and never asked for credit.