Work.Retire.Die.

Wow. Welcome to March. After a weekend of madness, here we are: the Sweet 16 of Best Songs to Hear While You’re Drunk. After 2.5 hours and over 1300 text messages, a committee of 7 members have made their selections for which songs will advance and which will be eliminated. Now some of these picks may be pretty contentious. You may get emotional and say stuff like “wow you’re a complete idiot. How could you pick that song? Everyone hates you including your own parents.” Well buddy, maybe you should stop being so mean, go make your own blog and set up your own bracket. Now kindly leave the WordPress.

In the interest of confidentiality, I will not be releasing the names of the Committee Members, but I will say they are all  handsome, smart, and call their mothers at least once a week. So you’re know they’re legit.

Comment your thoughts below and follow along with the voting on Instagram (@WorkRetireDie.) If you’re late to the game, visit the original post with all the songs here and check out the OFFICIAL SPOTIFY PLAYLIST. Enjoy.

WHERE WE STAND:

Top Storylines:

• There has been much dispute surrounding the evaluation criteria among the committee and fans, particularly around which kind of drunk you should be when you hear these songs (wedding drunk, college bar drunk, club drunk, pregame drunk, day drunk, beach drunk, 12 beers drunk, 12 shots drunk, etc.) Ultimately no decision was really made so I don’t know what to tell you.
• A loaded Fireball region saw many fan favorites bounced in a highly contentious first round, including “With Arms Wide Open,” “My Girl,” and “Wagon Wheel.” Other sponsors were upset with the lack of talent in their brackets, but that’s what happens when you give us Peach instead of Tropical Fruit or Citrus, BURNETT’S. Money talks.
• Cult classic “Dynamite” was also eliminated early, forcing Taio Cruz into retirement. He probably now spends his days as a bartender at an all-inclusive resort but there’s no way to know for sure. Maybe he like shows up to bar mitzvahs and Sweet 16s but that’s probably it right?

What Happened? A Region by Region Breakdown:

Solo Cup Region

Where We Stand:

First Round Madness:

• Newcomer “God’s Plan” gets bounced early by a streaky “Cupid’s Shuffle,” which moves its feet well and can defend all 5 positions on the court. Many suspect “God’s Plan” high seed was largely buoyed by a once-in-a-lifetime music video that masked weaknesses with the song itself, which outside of that “I only love my bed and my mama” line, is just kinda ok.

Round of 32 Results:

• Top seed “Piano Man” blows the doors off 9 seed “It Wasn’t Me”
  • The Billy Joel classic breezed into the Sweet 16 because everyone knows hearing “Piano Man” automatically raises your BAC by .05 (It’s science. In characteristic fashion, Shaggy denied involvement during the post game presser and refused to take responsibility for the loss.
• #4 seed “Come On Eileen” knocks off #12 seed “December 1963”
  • Tough matchup for “December 1963,” but kicking your feet in unison with a group of people while singing “Come On Eileen” is tied with 4 orders of Cheesy Gordita Crunch as the greatest things ever when you’re drunk.
• #6 seed “Mambo Number 5” emerges victorious over Cinderella hopeful “Cupid Shuffle”
  • Cupid Shuffle gets the boot because absolutely no one wants to follow rules when you’re drunk. Especially from a guy named Cupid.
• Second seeded “Levels” defeats “Love Story”
  • Many were surprised to see Taylor Swift’s 5th best song even advance out of the first round (yeah I said it), so it was no shock to see “Love Story” fall to “Levels,” which pretty much created a genre and got more than 25k plays by me personally in 2012 alone.

What to Watch for Next Round:

• 6 seeded “Mambo #5” should be feared in the coming rounds, as it is really really fun to say all those girls names during the chorus and I don’t want to hear anyone say differently.

Fireball Region:

Where We Stand:

First Round Madness:

• White people everywhere wept as “Wagon Wheel” was unceremoniously bounced by red-hot 13 seed “All the Above.”
• Everyone’s Cinderella team “All-Star” was eliminated after discovering it’s honestly more fun to make the shape of an L on your forehead than listen to the song in its entirety.

Round of 32 Results:

• Top seed and reigning champ “Ignition Remix” handles newcomer “Closer”
  • Kings stay kings as R.Kelly continues his title defense with a convincing win over that Chainsmoker’s song whose music video has the hottest girl I’ve ever seen.
• 13 seed “Uptown Funk” continues its Cinderella run and defeats #5 “Dancing in the Moonlight”
  • America’s ambiguously-racial sweetheart just makes your whole freakin’ body want to wiggle. Will be a tough out in the next round.
• #3 “Living on a Prayer” knocks off #11 “All the Above” in a back and forth, come from behind victory.
  •  “Living on a Prayer” got off to a slow start but quickly pulled away once “Tommy used to work on the docks” blasted through the speakers.
• Up and comer 7 seed “Despacito” takes down preseason favorite “Give it Up”
  • A close match-up between the two distinct philosophies of the tournaments; songs for dancing with girls vs. songs for boogieing with the fellas. Much like the battle between Princeton offense and Run and Gun, this debate will rage on for years, but this time, Despacito emerges victorious.

What to Watch For Next Round:

• 3 seed “Living on a Prayer” barely survived their second round matchup, but could go all the way to the Final Four. This is a song that everyone thinks they’re way too cool for until it’s 2 minutes in and you find yourself grabbing a complete stranger and screaming “we’re halfway there” into each other’s faces.

Burnett’s Vodka Region:

Where We Stand:

First Round Madness:

• “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” completely embarrasses “Happy,” which clearly only qualified for the tournament after winning their conference (with a losing record) and clearly had no business being on the same court as this perennial classic.

Round of 32 Results:

• Top seeded “Shout, Pts 1&2” runs #8 seed  “I Want it that Way” out of the gym.
  • The Backstreet Boys are nice enough chaps but did’t stand a chance against the greatest wedding song ever written.
• #4 “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” knocks off #12 “F***kin Problems”
  • Whitney Houston smiles on her favored child and eliminates ASAP Rocky’s smash hit, which is quite frankly a little too inappropriate to sing at the top of your lungs in most settings.
• #6 “Riding Solo” upsets #3 “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” in wire to wire finish
  • Derulo is lowkey twangggyy in this performance and proves once and for all that he is the distinct talent of our generation.
• 10th seeded “Sugar We’re Going Down” handles #2 “Roses” in convincing fashion.
  • In one of the tournament’s biggest upsets, Fall Out Boy proved to be more than Outkast had bargained for (they’d been dying to tell them) and convinced the committee that they truly are number one with a bullet.

What to Watch For Next Round:

•  #1 seeded Shout is primed for an upset, due to concerns that the older committee members may not have the lung capacity to yell “Shout” and jump around for 4+ minutes. Anonymous members have been quoted as saying “I’m here for a party, not a Cross-fit session,” which is kind of pathetic but I honestly sort of agree with.

40s Division:

Where We Stand:

First Round Madness:

• “Unwritten” puts up a good fight in their first round match-up, going on a few big runs (particularly during “STARING AT THE BLANK PAGE BEFORE YOU”) but can’t outlast “Don’t Stop Believing,” which plays a solid, well-balanced game from start to finish.

Round of 32 Results:

• Top seeded “Your Love” defeats #8 “Sorry” in a back and forth struggle.
  • “Sorry” gives media favorite “Your Love” a run for its money, but Bieber fails to advance his second song of the tournament.
• #4 “Semi Charmed” takes down #5 “Jessie’s Girl” in a match-up that frankly wasn’t close.
  • It’s honestly impossible not to sing along to some Third Eye Blind and as an anti-infidelity and pro-friendship blog, we frown on the message of “Jessie’s Girl.”
• 6 seeded “Don’t Stop Believing‘” comes from behind to knock off #14 “Buy U A Drank” at the buzzer.
  • T-Pain’s ballad nearly advanced because of how fucking fun it is to snap your fingers during it, but “Don’t Stop Believing” listened to their own advice and escaped the scrappy mid-major to advance to the round of 16.
• #10 “All I Want for Christmas” defeats #2 “Sweet Caroline” in convincing fashion.
  • In the upset of the tournament, this Mariah Carey number proved the haters wrong and revealed itself to be ever MORE relevant after the holiday season.

What to Watch For Next Round:

• The match-up between top seeded “Your Love” and underrated #4 seed “Semi-Charmed” could decide the entire tournament. An absolute must watch.

Vote for your favorites in the comments and come back next week for the Final Four reveal.