What I Think Each New ‘Evermore’ Song Is About Without Actually Listening to It

In case you aren’t addicted to the Internet, Taylor Swift dropped a new album last night called “Evermore,” in a desperate attempt to steal the spotlight from Kid Cudi’s album release. While it was a slap in the face to the icon of anyone who smoked weed out of an apple in their parent’s SUV in 2010, it worked for Taylor and now Evermore is all anyone can talk about on social media.

Like most trends, I want to be part of the conversation but I don’t want to do the actual work. I’m not spending 60 minutes listening to her album. Also, how do you ‘listen to an album?’ What do you do? Just sit there with a glass of wine and smile appreciatively every 3 – 4 minutes? Weird.

Luckily she released the track list ahead of time so I can at least guess what each song will be about based on the title and carry my weight in a conversation.

Taylor Swift - evermore Lyrics and Tracklist | Genius

WHAT I THINK EACH NEW TAYLOR SWIFT SONG IS ABOUT WITHOUT ACTUALLY LISTENING TO IT

01 willow

The time she saw Willow Smith at the Willowbrook Mall while listening to the Whomping Willow scene on her Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban audiobook.

02 champagne problems

The rush of anxiety when you’re asked to open champagne at a party and have to act like you know what you’re doing even though you’re pretty sure you’ll explode the bottle like usual.

03 gold rush

This one could be one of many things. The mad dash to Gold’s Gym once the country is re-opened. The New Orleans Saint’s defensive line. Ari Gold’s daughter trying to join a sorority. A golden shower when you’re pressed for time. Or a combination of all those things. I might have to actually listen to this one.

Could also be a tribute to Discovery Channel’s smash hit reality show.

04 ’tis the damn season

The time of year when beavers build dams (end of fall.) 

05 tolerate it

Emotional and verbal abuse at work because you’re too lazy to apply for a new job.

06 no body, no crime [ft. HAIM]

This is either a really deranged remix to ‘No Woman, No Cry’ or the confident mantra a mobster mutters as they chop up the corpse of someone they whacked.

No body, no crime right Paulie?

07 happiness

When you find out your work friend also hates the same coworker as you and you can comfortably talk shit to them about it.

08 dorothea

An adventurous hispanic girl who explores her world and solves puzzles with the help of a monkey and talking backpack. Could also be the name of the main character in Wizard of Oz if it was reshot for Telemundo. Again, will have to listen.

09 coney island [ft. The National]

An island shaped like a cone (a volcano?) 

10 ivy

Beyonce’s daughter but less blue.

11 cowboy like me

Woody from Toy Story

12 long story short

What Jim from accounting says at the end of a 5 minute anecdote about going to Whole Foods. I pray for your wife if she has to hear the long version of that. He’s gotta be one of the least interesting people of all time.

The only worse story teller is a 5 year old. Get to the damn inciting incident Sarah, I don’t have all day.

13 marjorie

Misspellling of a butter substitute 

14 closure

I think this is a Chain Smoker’s song

15 evermore [ft. Bon Iver]

Can’t believe they got Bon Jovi’s daughter to sing this Paramore ripoff 

Bon Joviver

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