Work.Retire.Die.

Happy November 13th! To celebrate, we are going to go through some of the worst things that have ever happened to me at work and decide how unlucky they were on a scale from 1 – 10. Please enjoy this exercise in shirking personal responsibility and blaming the universe for your misfortune.

Not Getting Laid Off During Department Downsizing

I have been very open that my dream in corporate America has always been to get laid off without being fired. And yes I get it – no one likes to be unemployed and it especially sucks if you have a family you need to support. HOWEVER, in this specific instance of corporate downsizing, the people who were laid off got a dope severance package – a full 3 months salary with benefits and more importantly, the chance to leave a horrible soul-sucking job. I could not have been more jealous, especially since I now had double the work, with no chance of a promotion or raise since they were cutting costs. Absolute bullshit scenario. 

Unlucky Rating: 3/10 

Bad luck but it’s my fault for being smart, successful and having a full head of hair. Gotta look in the mirror and take responsibility here. 

Shitting My Pants on a Job Interview

Worst moment of my life alert. This unfortunate incident happened to me during my junior year of college, when I was on a ‘super day’ at a consulting firm that I was grossly under-qualified for. For those who were unmotivated losers in college, ‘super days’ are basically like the NFL combine for people who are begging to soul their souls to consulting or finance firms. You and 20 other college kids put on your nicest suit, grab your padfolio and get thrown into a conference room full of stale muffins and a fruit platter with way too much cantaloupe. From there, you get shuttled around to one on one interviews with 5-6 different people over the course of the day, desperate to prove your worth to a series of douche-bags who don’t care whether you live or die.

I was a little nervous but doing all right after my first 4 interviews. And then disaster struck. As I was being shuttled to my next interview, I desperately had to pee and asked if I could run to the bathroom quickly. The analyst told me it was fine, but to be quick since my next interview starts in 3 minutes. I ran to the urinal and started peeing my little heart out. I check around to see that the coast is clear and let loose a massive fart I’d been holding in all day. The coffee, nerves and Adderall must have caught up to me because unfortunately, that fart turned into a full blown shart and my underwear was absolutely coated in, well, human shit. 

I ran to a stall, took off my pants (harder than it seemed since I was wearing my nicest dress shoes that did not fit at all) and hung them on the hook with my suit jacket, and began the wiping process. This took at least two full minutes (it was what we call in the biz, an endless wiper) but ultimately, I was fully clean by the end of it. But then came the final challenge…what to do about the underwear? At this point, other people had entered the bathroom. I couldn’t exactly put the underwear back on and I couldn’t walk out with them in my hand and throw them in the trash. My back was against the wall here and I did the only thing that made sense – I stuffed the underwear behind the toilet, put my pants back on, washed my hands as hard as I could without seeming weird to the guy next to me, and walked back out of that bathroom a full 6 minutes after I entered it. 

I did not get the job that day. I’d like to think it was because of my low GPA, total lack of interest in consulting, and the fact that the only questions I asked were about work-life balance and what bars were cool in the area, but I guess I’ll never know. It might have been about the poop.

Unluckiness Scale: 5/10 

Definitely a tough blow here, but I need to be smarter about my farts. You can never assume that kind of thing and in big spots like this, you make your own lucky. 

Forgetting to Save a Massive Power-Point and Having It Crash Minutes Before a Presentation. 

This was tough. I’m not a ‘planner’ so generally most of my work is done 11 minutes before it’s actually due so I’m surprised this has happened to me only once. Regardless, it’s definitely hard to give a presentation when you don’t have an actual presentation to give. This is when you basically put up one slide with a picture of a guy running to the finish line, and tell everyone you want this meeting to be more of a conversation. Or pretend you didn’t know you were supposed to present even though you were the one who set up the meeting. 

Unluckiness Scale: 6/10 

Obviously, you should be saving things as you go and working ahead, but come on. This is good old-fashioned back luck right here. 

The sandwich shop next to my office going out of business RIGHT before I was about to get my 10th stamp and free sandwich. 

One of my big goals in adult life has been to become a regular at a local sandwich shop. In my dream world, the employees would know me by name and when I walk in, they’d say ‘the usual?’ and I’d say ‘you know it boss’ and we’d chuckle. Me and the employee would make small talk about the Jets while he sliced my meats and thought about how cool I was. What can I say – I’m a simple man with simple pleasures. 

In the winter of 2019, I had nearly achieved this vision at the sandwich shop next to my office in Hoboken. They knew me, I knew them and they even gave me free fries one time. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but I was potentially on the path to getting a sandwich named after me. I had set my eyes on the big prize – a free 6 inch sandwich after the purchase of my 10th sub. After weeks of faithfully stamping my card, I strolled in to claim my winnings and then my world collapses. I was confronted by a ‘ClOSED – OUT OF BUSINESS’ sign.  

Unluckiness Scale: 10/10

I mean how the hell am I supposed to know they’re failing? I thought we were friends – they couldn’t have told me things were rough? The things that hurts the most is that they kept stamping that loyalty card, knowing full well that I’d never reach my goal of 10 sandwiches. I’m honestly sick to my stomach thinking about it. 

Name dropping someone who I barely know to a co-worker and finding out it’s their best friend in the entire world

This happens to me at least once a week I’d say. I really need to stop doing this. I honestly just love playing the name game so much. The second you tell me what college you went to, you can bet your little ass I’m asking if you know 3-5 people I’m vaguely acquainted with.

Unluckiness Scale:  1/10 

2021 resolution is to stop playing the name game. It always backfires. Just not worth it.