You are going to die at some point. Hopefully, that’s not news to you, but if it is, I’m sorry to have shook you to your core with the concept of mortality. It’s heavy stuff and I’ll allow you a few seconds to process.
Ok we’re back. Anyways, we all know by now that we’re going to die, but most of us figured we at least had a few good years left on this planet. Maybe you had plans for how your life would turn out. A savings account. “Health Insurance.” A healthy diet and exercise regime. Morons. We are all going to die within the next 24-48 hours and there’s simply nothing you can do about it.
Why? Well, there’s a 23-ton piece of debris from a Chinese space rocket hurtling through the atmosphere that will hit Earth this weekend.
NASA scientists claim the chances of it hitting a populated area are “slim” but what do we say about government scientists? They’re only working there because they can’t get a better job at a pharmaceutical company. And also they lie like a rug. So, it only makes sense to prepare for your imminent death.
When I heard the debris news, my first emotion was unbridled joy. There is just so much stuff I won’t have to do now. My taxes (wasn’t doing them anyways), get back into shape (Jacked by late June program was scheduled to soft launch next week), and address the wart on my knee that may be a tumor. What a relief.
But then I realized something…this is an incredible opportunity to take advantage of my last few hours on Earth. And no, I’m not going to be spending it with loved ones or cherished friends. You guys are great but we hang out enough. It’s time to do all the things I never got to do while I was alive on this little blue and green pebble we like to call Earth.
Things I Want to Do Before the Space Rocket Debris Hits the Earth and Kills Us all
- Stand up, push my plate away as I say “I’ve just lost my appetite”, and storm out of the restaurant when someone says something rude at a fancy meal.
- Always wanted to do that.
- Dunk on losers on the Internet who are spending their final hours on the Internet.
- Tell my boss what I really think of them.
- That they’re amazing and doing their best in a tough situation and are objectively handsome.
- See what all the buzz is about vegetables.
- Rob a hat store.
- This was the summer I was going to officially become a hat guy. I’m not giving up that dream because of some goddam China rocket. Sorry Tommy Bahama, but I am kicking down your door and taking no prisoners.
- Finally take a bath in my apartment’s shower-bath combo.
- Apologize to the people I’ve wronged, specifically the person I catfished via email in 9th grade.
- Still feel a little bad about that one
- Read Infinite Jest.
- This will give me something to talk about with my new heaven friends, since people who reads Infinite Jest are better than everyone and will obviously make it past the pearly gates.
- Tell my assistant to “clear my calendar” and “if my wife calls, tell her I’m at lunch”
- This was my basic understanding of how the business world worked for majority of my youth.
- Cash in my Jersey Mike’s loyalty points that I’ve been accumulating for 2+ years
I’m still a few sandwiches short of the hammock, but I will settle for the branded beach towel and/or cooler with patented waterproof dry zone (valued at $50)
- Watch the Bucket List starring Jack Nicklaus and Morgan Freeman and the guy from Will and Grace who plays the doctor in the first scene.
- It’s been on my bucket list.
- Really sit down and try to understand NFTs.
- I’m not gonna die being the only one who doesn’t get it.
- Eat a DayQuil pills like Jelly Beans
Tell me you don’t want to chomp on these things. I did this once with Advil Liqui-Gels as a child and haven’t done it again since it tasted so horrible. Worth another shot though.
- Clothesline a biker zipping through the streets right off of their little bike.
- This would be such a satisfying feeling. Who the hell is going to stop me? Little Lance Armstrong wanna-be? I don’t think so
- Get Slimed on Slime Time Live
- I don’t care that it’s been off the air for 13 years. I am sure we can figure something out.
- Citizen’s arrest someone.
- There’s no way you can actually do this in real life right?
- Send out some follow-up emails for next week just in case the world doesn’t actually end.