What. Just. Happened????
After a wild week of upsets, arguments, and hurt feelings, we’ve reached the Sweet 16 of Best Inventions Since Sliced Bread. If you missed the full tournament kick-off, go check it out here. If not, let’s get into it.
Where We Stand
How’d We Get There
Everyday Items Region
First Round Madness:
- #8 Sweatpants exposes an overrated Tupperware squad that stains orange almost immediately and can easily be replaced by Ziplocks, tin foil or just putting your plate in the fridge like a complete savage.
- In a battle between one team that saves lives and one that saves hangovers, #12 Everything Bagels roars back in the second half and knocks off 5th ranked Seat Belts, proving once and for all that hangovers are worse than death.
Second Round Results
- Two absolute essentials during quarantine season squared off as top seed Microwaves defeated a #8 Sweatpants squad that is prone to exposing boners at the worst possible time and simply could not handle Microwave’s ability to reheat 7/11 Taquitos at 3 am.
- #12 Everything Bagel’s improbable run came to an end as the bread donut with some flavor toppings fell to a streaking #4 Credit Cards that eliminates the need for cash, gives you points for dining at participating establishments, and puts you in crippling debt that ensures you’ll never own property.
- In a matchup of things you appreciate as you get older, 6th seeded Sunscreen takes down a third ranked Advil team that no one is convinced actually works and is not even as effective as conference rival Tylenol (eliminated from post-season play due to recruiting violations)
- After knocking off America’s favorite #10 Crockpot team in the first round (most of the committee has apparently never slow cooked a beef goulash for 5-7 hours) 7th seeded Barcodes continues its historic run by defeating a #2 Clothing Dryers team that will always fail until it can fold your clothes for you.
What to Watch For:
Keep an eye of #6 Sunscreen. This invention is the only reason white people can leave the house after April and also is something that you have literally no idea how it works, which means it is genius.
Concepts Region
First Round Madness:
- A young, scrappy #13 Roasting Brussel Sprouts squad fought hard, but fell in the closing minutes to a loaded #4 Streaming Music team that gives you access to every song ever, makes creating playlists easier, and eliminates the need to infect your computer every time you want to download a song by Kid Cudi.
Second Round Results
- Heavy favorite and top seed Internet blew out #8 Normalization of Men Wearing Shorts after the committee saw some of the calves of WRD readers and decided that it may not have been such a good invention after all.
- 4th seeded Streaming Music fell to a red hot #12 Dunking team that is not only cool every time you see it, but also an incredible rush to execute on your own (assuming the hoop has been lowered to at least 8 feet. )
- In the upset of the tournament, 11th seeded The NBA stuns media darling #3 Streaming TV on a last second buzzer, taking down the team that destroyed appointment TV and is basically just DVR on a separate app.
- The creation of the actual universe fell to the creation of a virtual universe as a sneaky 10th seeded Social Media team knocks off #2 Big Bang Theory, which is technically a theory and not even proved to be true. (Please don’t fact check that.)
What to Watch For:
To no one’s surprise, this region now exclusively consists of teams from the powerhouse Basketball or World Wide Web conferences. Tournament favorite Internet will be hard to stop, but keep an eye on an NBA team that has had an incredible cultural impact off the court, from clothing to video games to jerseys that you can wear in college but definitely not after you graduate.
Cool Stuff Region
First Round Madness:
- A young, irreverent #10 Memes team took down 7th seeded Light Up Shoes, which were only cool for about 3 months, almost destroyed the environment and frankly was only in the tournament after winning the Shoe Conference tournament, where they somehow upset nationally ranked Heelies and Reebok Pumps teams.
Second Round Results
- Led by head coach and inventor Roy Jacuzzi, a bubbly #1 Hot Tub team heats up at the perfect time and takes down a streaky 9th seeded Red Bull Vodka that peaks early in the night, but crashes and burns in the second half.
- The Cinderella story of #13 Friday Beers Instagram ends in a pumpkin, as they fall to an Augmented Reality squad that has led to Pokemon Go, Snapchat filters and an incredible new porn experience that the committee cannot comment on at this time.
- In a riveting back and forth struggle, a #11 Stretchy Denim team that solved the jeans problem (looks hot but inconsistent fit and leg tightness) loses in double overtime to #14 Jason Derulo team that is a content factory that could only have been created in a lab.
- While the 10th seeded Memes squad is the reason most of you are here, they were exposed as not really an invention but simply “funny hieroglyphics” by a 2nd ranked Video Games team that led to one of the greatest technological feats of our time – Wii Bowling.
What to Watch For:
While #5 Augmented Reality is an invention that would cause someone from the past to call you a warlock if you showed it to them, don’t sleep on 14th seed Jason Derulo. A team that no one wants to play this time of year, they’ll be a tough out as long as they don’t fall down the stairs at the Met Gala again.
Technology Region
FIrst Round Madness
- An aging #6 Penicillin team is stunned by 11th seed Fax Machines, which was completely revolutionary for its time and completely impossible to understand how it works. While Penicillin saved lives, it proved unable to send over a contract by COB, which sealed the deal.
Second Round Results
- Top seeded Smartphone defeated #8 Amazon Prime Shipping in convincing fashion, proving that it is more valuable to have every single technological advance known to mankind in your pocket than have your drunk purchase of That’s So Raven Season 3 on DVD arrive within 2 business days.
- 4th ranked Television is the reason we no longer huddle around a radio every night and defeats #5 Google, which is useful but basically just uploading and categorizing every book, newspaper article or picture of boobs ever created onto the Internet.
- A pill that literally changes the human body squared up fell to a box that changed human society, as #7 Birth Control Pill fails to defeat a #2 Computer team that has led to 90% of the inventions in this entire tournament.
- In a fast paced, back and forth struggle, #14 Headphones wore down a #11 Fax Machine team that was revolutionary when it was created, but proved unable to stand the test of time.
What to Watch For:
This bracket features two of the tournament favorites, the upstart #1 Smartphones team loaded with NBA talent and a seasoned #2 Computers team that has brought back all their seniors. If they face off in the Elite 8, their similar styles of play promise to lead to an exciting finish.
Tune in next week to find out what happens. Don’t forget to Vote on the Instagram Stories and subscribe to the weekly newsletter to find out the latest updates first.