Work.Retire.Die.

You did it. Whether you had 12 months of Zoom meetings, were forced to go back to the office every day, or some combination of both hells, you finally made it to the end of the year. You worked hard this year in some tough circumstances and to reward you for your hard work, your company has gone above and beyond and forced you to do an Office Secret Santa!  Thanks to their generosity, now you get to pay money out of your own pocket to buy stuff for coworkers you barely consider acquaintances!!!

An Office Secret Santa gift is a tricky needle to thread. You don’t want to spend too much, but you don’t want to look cheap. You most likely know very little about the person you’ve been assigned to outside of work and no one wants a work related gift. Plus, similar to good office jokes, there’s a very fine line in gifting between a funny gag gift and the shit that gets you sent to HR.  

Well thank fucking god you follow this blog because we’re here to help. No matter who you get this year, we’ve got the perfect gift for you.

What to Get Everyone in Your Office for Secret Santa

Your Coworker Who Just Graduated College

New to the real world and good lord does it show. Sure, his sparkling eyes and zest for life remind you of a version of yourself that you once liked. And it’s great to have him do all your work after you told him it’d be a great learning opportunity. But, this kid just flat out cannot cope as an adult. This is your chance to help him.

Gift Options:

• Something to make his Zoom background way less sad.

It’s been 6 months and his WFH setup makes you depressed every time he puts his video on. The walls are completely bare, it’s always dark as hell (does he have windows?) and he seems to be working from his dresser, which is actually insane.

A plant, a painting, or even a cheap lamp from Target would double his quality of life overnight.  

• A bottle of alcohol

This is 60% of his budget anyways. Help him pay rent this month and host the worst pregame ever.

• A Work Retire Die mug.

This kid has like 6 total cups in his apartment. Do him a favor and give him another cup he can leave in the sink for days at a time AND jumpstart his nihilism and realization that life is ultimately meaningless.  

Your Boss

Woof. Whether or not you’re tight with your boss or hate them, this a tricky spot to be. Yes, this is an opportunity to get on their good side, but you want to straddle the line between nice and being a suck up.

Gift Options:

• A book about marketing or some shit.

This is suchhhhh a suck up move but if your boss is a nerd, it could work. Just hit up the book section of Amazon, filter it to ‘Business,’ pick the cheapest book that has 4.5 stars, and read like two reviews or summaries. When you give it to them, say something like “I just finished this book and it’s sooo good. I have this insatiable thirst for digital advertising knowledge like that all the time so I’m constantly reading books and articles and stuff.” You’ll be promoted by January.

• A nice bottle of wine

Sure, you went a little over the $25 limit, but it’s worth it to prove the point that you’re a mature, classy individual who can hold their own at future work dinners with higher ups.

• I Am Unmanageable sweatshirt

If I’ve learned anything from movies/life it’s that women love a bad boy. Why? Because they think they can change them. Channel that energy into your gift this year.

Instead of sucking up, challenge your boss. Tell them you literally fucking hate them and refuse to let them do their job and see if they rise to the occasion. It’ll make them want you way more, trust me.

Your Work Crush

Do you love them or are they just the hottest single person in your office that’s within 5 years of you? The answer is probably a combination of both but you’ll never know if you don’t try. This Secret Santa gift is your chance to prove you are worthy of a holiday party make out or at least a follow back on Instagram.

Gift Options:

• Gift card to a nice restaurant.

Then say ‘we can go together if you want haha’ and they’ll say ‘I have a boyfriend you’ve met him like 3 times’ and you say ‘haha I know I was joking lmao’ and she says ‘you’re so funny that’s why I like you. I’m glad we’re such good friends. ‘

• An engagement ring.

Shooters shoot. As we discussed in our Should I Hook Up with My Coworker? A Useful Guide, the only time you should date a coworker is when you are prepared to marry them. Might as well get a head start on it this Christmas.

• Something that shows you listened to them (in a not creepy way.)

When in doubt, always go cute and thoughtful. Maybe they love a certain snack and are always eating it at their desk. Or constantly talk about SoulCycle or a workout class they like. Maybe you even have an inside joke.  Like how they’re so good at PowerPoints that they have Big Deck Energy. That’s pretty funny.

The Office Try Hard

The most brutal person in the office. They know every function in Excel and their PowerPoints are incredible. They drags every meeting out by an extra 10 minutes because they always has to have the last word and refuse to wait more than 2 hrs to follow up with you on literally anything.  At least twice a week they send an article to your entire team about ‘Tips for Staying Efficient While Working Remote’ from the Wall Street Journal. The subject line is ‘Great Read! Hope everyone enjoys.’ None of us have a WSJ login dude, get the fuck out of here.

Gift Options:

• LinkedIn Premium

They posts at least twice a day and have professionally done headshots they update every quarter. This service was literally made for someone like them. The only downside here is they probably already have Premium, but at least you tried.  

• CBD Oil

A not so subtle way to tell them to chill the fuck out and stop Slacking you at 9:01 am to make sure you showed up to work on time. Also, if they take it at the office you can anonymously report them for drug use to HR so they get fired and never make you do your job again.

• LockedIn Adderal Mug

They 100% abuses Adderall and will like this in an non-ironic way.

The Office Slacker

Gotta respect how little this person cares about their job. They called out sick for an entire week after getting the vaccine because they ‘still felt a little woozy’ and avoid taking on extra work more than the US government (I’m not really sure that reference makes sense but fuck the government!) It’s admirable but honestly a huge pain in the ass to work with them because they refuse to pull their weight.

Gift Options:

• A Starbucks Gift Card

Hands down the laziest gift of all time, but if they can slack off, so can you.

• A desk calendar

Tell them it’s so they can never make the excuse that they ‘totally mixed up the days’ when they owed you a very important deliverable again. Give a nice laugh so it seems like you’re joking but make scary eye contact so they know you’re still pretty pissed about it.

• Meets Expectations Hat

Lean into it and celebrate their mediocrity with them.