The holiday season is in full swing and with it comes the full-on bombardment of Christmas movies, decorations, and general seasonal cheer that accompanies it. Like many of you, I take a good look at these well-known holiday figures and have one thought on my mind – can I defeat them in hand to hand combat?
As such, I’ve prepared a thorough list of the most significant Christmas characters and ranked them by how easily I could beat the shit out of them. Before we get started, it’s important to know who I am and what kind of fighter you are evaluating. Some quick measureables:
Height: 6’0 (believably 6’1 if necessary)
Strength: Dwindling by the day but I could help you move and probably would only need a hand with your couch and/or dresser.
Speed: Solid in short bursts. Any exercise beyond 15 minutes will ruin me.
High School Football Experience: Widely considered the most average North Jersey Non-Public B quarterback/safety of the last 15 years. Don’t believe me? Check tape.
All this adds up to your standard 27 year old man who has definitely moved on from a pretty insignificant athletic peak and is ready to take on any able bodied man, woman or magical creature.
Let’s get into it.
Power Ranking Christmas Figures by How Easily I Could Beat the Shit out of Them
15. The Little Drummer Boy
He seems like a nice kid but he’s just a boy. If push came to shove, I could pretty easily grab his snare and smash it onto his skull, rendering him unconscious, if not dead. I’m not saying I want to do that. I’m just saying I could.
14. Baby Jesus
Look, this is a newborn child, wrapped in swaddling clothes that limit his range of motion. I would have no trouble. The only thing that concerns me is that he’s the son of God. I’m pretty sure God wouldn’t let Jesus die before he fulfilled his purpose on Earth. Especially at the hands of a once mediocre athlete like myself. But who am I to question God’s will?
13. This fucking kid from the Polar Express
I hate this smug little shit. I have no problem with being a nerd but this kid is such a goddam know-it-all. It drives me crazy. I’d take great pleasure in smashing his little glasses like a twig and watching him run blindly into an oncoming magical train.
12. Mariah Carey
I don’t hit women. But if she attacked me and I had no choice but to defend myself, I think I could handle her. There is the question of her bodyguards, but I have no knowledge of her security staff so I’ll just assume she is alone and ready to die at my hand.
11. Frosty the Snowman
One of the nicest sentient snowmen you’ll ever met. It doesn’t change the fact that he will melt the second I draw him into a climate above 40 degrees. I don’t want to have to snap his twig arms, break his button nose and gauge out his coal eyes, but I will. If it means protecting myself, my family and my country, I would have no choice.
10. Scrooge McDuck
This is where it starts to get tricky. I could confidently beat up a duck. Hell, I could beat up at least 7 ducks if I really wanted to and their beaks weren’t too sharp. But a duck with human-like intelligence? That can accumulate wealth over the course of his lifetime and develop enough emotional intelligence to realize the error of his miserly ways? That changes things. I’d still emerge victorious, but not without a fight.
9. Christmas Tree Guy on My Street Who Overcharged Me
Fuck this guy. He really ripped me off. It’s really on me for not realizing you can negotiate these kind of things and blindly paying him whatever he asked, but at the end of the day, I expect some human decency and a more reasonable tree pricing model. He’s taller, stronger and more rugged than I am but I think my blind anger would lead to a quick knockout or at least someone breaking us up and ‘holding me back,’ which counts as a win in my book.
8. The Virgin Mary
On Christmas Day, she will have literally just given birth in a barn. She’d be in rough shape. If this poor woman tried to start a brawl with me, I would put her down for the count without breaking a sweat. HOWEVER there is one thing to consider – the presence of Joseph, who I fear deeply. I do not fuck with carpenters. A man’s gotta have a code.
7. Michael Buble
Look, he’s in his 50s and while he’s incredibly handsome, he’s not what we call physically imposing. If I wanted to, I could get him in a chokehold and damage his precious little windpipe so badly he’ll never sing again. But, I don’t want to deny the world his gift. Especially during the holiday season.
6. The Three Wise Men
I could defeat each wise man on their own without breaking a sweat. ‘Wise men’ are basically just magicians, a group of people not known their fighting prowess. But if the three of them teamed up and frankincense and myrrh started flying around? Different story. If I had access to pre-workout, I might stand a chance, but even that would be a long shot.
5. Santa Claus
Putting aside the magical elements, he has what is called “man strength” which I’m personally still lacking and hoping will kick in once I turn 30. As it stands, my only option would be poisoning the milk and cookies, but I don’t really know where I would get poison and I’m too scared to Google it and end up on an FBI list. You win this round Santa.
4. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
I am man enough to admit that I could not beat up a reindeer. I don’t even know where I would start to be perfectly honest. I certainly couldn’t survive more than 1 or 2 kicks from Rudolph’s hooves. If that catches me in the ribs or god forbid the skull? I’m tapping out with my pride damaged but my life intact.
3. Fred Clause
Personally, I believe Fred Clause is one of the most powerful movies of all time. You gotta feel for the poor guy and relate to how he’s constantly outshone by his younger brother and battles to find his own place in the world. On top of that, Vince Vaughn is like 6’6 and he has the entire Claus family behind him after he made his peace with them in Act III. Not a fair fight.
2. Yukon Cornelius
One of the biggest badasses in cinematic history. His beard alone is enough to scare me off. Add on the fact that he literally licks an ice-pick before he fights and single-handedly took down the Abominable Snowman? We’re just in different leagues.
1. The Grinch
It’s hard to tell just how big he is, since he’s generally standing next to Whos, but it’s safe to assume he’s at least 7 feet tall. That kind of reach alone would make it impossible for me to land any punches on him. It also doesn’t help that he’s a brilliant inventor and has the capacity for great cruelty. My only shot would be long-term health complications after his heart grew two sizes in the span of an hour, but I don’t want to bank on that. I’d lay down my sword if he challenged me to a duel and there’s nothing wrong with that.