Power Ranking the Best Ages for Halloween

This has been one of the longest Halloween seasons in recorded human history. Halloween falls on a Thursday this year, which means there are FIVE occasions to dress up and go out: Friday and Saturday the weekend before, Halloween itself (Thursday) and then Friday and Saturday this weekend. Are there even five costumes in the entire world? It’s simply too much for anyone. Moving forward, I will be instituting at 3 costume maximum for next Halloween. And I am OUTLAWING costumes at the office from this point on.

Now that that nastiness is out of the way, all this Halloween has got me thinking about how the holiday changes as you get older. First Halloween rules then it sucks then its fine then it rules then it sucks then it’s fine again. Somewhere in there, you are a baby. Make sense? Didn’t think so.

Luckily, I took the time out of my busy schedule to break down the pros and cons of Halloween at each age group and deliver the official ranking. As always, all decisions are final and accurate.

7. Ages 13 – 16 (middle school/early high school)

This shit sucks. You’re too old to go trick or treating and you’re too young to do anything cool. Also, this age just sucks to begin with, so that doesn’t help.

In some neighborhoods, you have Mischief Night on October 30th. This is when you went around, caused petty crimes and like toilet papered your neighbor’s trees. Cool guys. I didn’t really partake because I’m a good kid with a bright future. I just kind of played video games, ate my little brother’s candy and IM’d girls I had crushes on.

Rating: 2/10

Very cool guys. Thanks for destroying our community with your pranks

6. Ages 30+ (Your life is over)

I’m gonna have to come out and say that if you are over 30 and have no kids, Halloween probably sucks. Or maybe it’s a good excuse to have a party. Idk. I’m not 30 and I never will be. That’s my promise to the readers.

If you have kids, this is probably fun but also a nightmare. On the one hand, your kids are happy, which is kind of best case scenario as a parent. On the other hand, you have to figure out a costume for them and they’re all hopped up on sugar and stay up way past their bedtime. Even worse, you are spending one million dollars on decorations and supplies and finally realize that Halloween is actually a gigantic conspiracy by Big Candy and Big Party City. And even worse, no one is sexy anymore (they’re over 30) so what’s the point?

Rating: 3/10 (I’m just guessing)

5. Age 1 – 6 (Baby)

You are not a person. Your parents dress you as a pumpkin and it’s cute, but you don’t really have a say in the matter. Maybe you go trick or treating but it’s really more for your parents than for you. You cannot even really speak English, form thoughts or have emotions. Sorry toddlers but YOU DON’T COUNT.  

Rating: 4/10 (everything is pretty much fine when you’re a toddler) 

This is cute but also child abuse

4. ages 18 – 22 (college)

Don’t get me wrong. Halloween in college is a wild, fun time and you can wear whatever funny or sexy costume you want. But that is honestly every single weekend in college. There’s no real difference between a Halloween party and a Golf Pros and Tennis Hoes theme party that is definitely not problematic at all.

Rating: 5/10

3. Ages 16 – 18 (late high School)

You are finally decided to grow up and underage drink, so your parties are actually fun. This is your first exposure to sexy costumes and is a prime chance to make out. Trust me I made out constantly in high school, don’t worry about me.

Even better, your parents are probably kind of drunk themselves from their adult party, so when you get home so you won’t get in trouble for slugging 6 Mike’s Hard Penises Lemonades. Also, your credit score is still perfectly fine and not impacting what apartments you can or can’t rent.

Rating: 6/10

Unless you went to this high school. Then it was 10/10

2. Age 22 – 30

Prime Instagram season. Halloween is great excuse to wear something that’s not the same going out outfit you’ve worn every night since you graduated (for girls this is all black, for guys this is a flannel and jeans.) If you’re at a bar or a party, costumes provide an instant conversation starter and are way better than the standard ‘what do you do?’ ‘what college did you go to?’ small talk. If you’re in a relationship, a couples costume is a fun way to show that your spark has definitely not died and you won’t break up after the holidays.

Everyone knows that what you wear for Halloween says everything you need to know about you as a person. There are only 5 types of costumes and 5 types of people.

  • Sexy
    • What It Means: You’re hot. Congratulations. I hope working out was worth it. This is literally one of 5 times a year that it will pay off. Go get a personality.
  • Funny
    • What It Means: You’re funny. We get it. Instead of seeing a therapist about your need for constant attention and validation, you decided to dress as Buddy the Elf. You basically get off to seeing people react to your hilarious little outfit. Cool dude. Move along. The grownups are talking.
  • Lazy
    • What It Means: You have kind of given up on life and settled into a long malaise that will define the rest of your life. You thought you’d be someone who mattered one day, but you don’t have the drive, intelligence or charisma to ever escape mediocrity. Halloween comes around and you don’t want to stay at home, but you forgot to plan ahead and you’re not going to spend $80 on a costume or take any sort of risk. So you throw on a jersey, or cat ears, or the same costume you’ve worn for the last 3 years and put on a brave face. Maybe tonight everything will change. But let’s be honest – it won’t.
  • Legitimately Scary
    • What It Means: Jesus Christ, we thought you were normal. What happened to you in middle school dude? You have some sort of strange demons that you let out of their little cage once a year. I guess this is probably healthy, but I’m gonna reconsider how much time I spend with you moving forward.
  • Pop Culture Reference You Have to Explain to Every Person
    • What it Means: You are a genius. Cutting edge. Tragically misunderstood in your time. Sure, there are some who don’t understand that you holding a peach with a blond wig to represent Trump’s imPEACHment is the most clever thing in American history. That’s not your fault. You can’t force them to read The New Yorker cover to cover like you do.

Rating: 8/10 (since you’re probably hungover for a week straight afterwards)

Oh nice, Ace Ventura. Funny stuff man. We were actually having a conversation, do you mind not speaking to us for the rest of the night?

1. Ages 7 – 13 (you are still pure and care about things)

The golden age. You’ve been looking forward to this day for months. You finally get to pick your own costume and show off your personality. Apparently, my personality was ‘obsessed with Wayne Chrebet’ because that’s was my costume every single year. Besides the one year I went as a cowboy, astronaut, and Wayne Chrebet (I went home and changed 3 times. Indecision is another staple of my character. And Wayne Chrebet.)

And the trick or treating. Good heavens. You’re finally old enough to go out on your own with your friends. You trade candy with them afterwards and swing some deals that would make Theo Epstein proud. Once you’re home, you hide your good candy so your mom doesn’t take it, and gorge yourself on Twix, Reese’s and Pixie Sticks until you hit that beautiful sugar high. You’re 10 years old and everything is new and matters and you don’t have to worry about collections agency chasing you to pay hospital bills from that time you got hit by a car. You’ll be chasing that high for the rest of your life kid. Don’t take it for granted.

Rating: 10/10

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